Happy Woman Magazine -

It was nice to see you this year. It wouldn't be the holidays if you weren't telling me the many ways I could improve myself. It was thoughtful of you to remember me this season with a gravy boat. Yes, it's an unusual choice for a vegetarian, but I appreciated your suggestion to "just put some fotu" in it. Sorry about breaking your vase. It must have slipped from my fingers seconds after Conrad decided it would be funny to pour actual gravy on me. I heard he's recovering nicely from "my little overreaction." Luckily, Conrad has your salt and pepper shakers to lessen any unhappy memories of this holiday season.

I swore I would not do this. Nevertheless, I push the shutters open and look out onto the rolling lawn and the three hundred-year-old trees of La Paumardiere as the Eurocopter EC 135 sets down and starts up Christmas Eve.

A few minutes later, as we fly over the forests and woods of southern Normandy and the Yvelines, heading towards Versailles, I stretch out in the sleek, spartan Hermes interior, I'm wearing the black Chanel patent and suede stilettos and black tights with little red and green king Charles cavaliers on them (my design, made by John Galliano's little fairy-fingered seamstresses in one of his sweatshops), a bit corny I know but I find them darling and have never met a woman who didn't drop dead for them; men don't care, so long as they come off, and I start thinking about how I know next to nothing about this American and I'm so trying not to panic or jump to conclusions the way Carla did that time we were having a very late lunch at L'Arpege a few doors down from my house in Paris and she was wearing the cutest little sleeveless black cashmere turtleneck dress and I had on the gold silk sleeveless cocktail dress with the wide, rounded A-line skirt intersected with a black velvet half-moon at the midriff and all of a sudden she whispered frantically "Oh my God, Loulou, don't turn around. At the table right behind us: Arab terrorists wearing those towel things with the big black silk napkin rings on top of their heads and they're carrying rifles!" And I swiveled and saw a vase of lilies and some breadsticks and told her to put her contacts in and she was like "My bad."

December Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

I am so furious I could spit. My mother, god bless, is no spring chicken. She's not even a summer chicken, more like a late fall, early winter bird. She is married to a man, who for the sake of anonymity, I will call Stepfather." My father is in heaven with the angels. I would say I'm glad he isn't alive to see this, but if he was alive, there wouldn't be anything to see. Here's what has made me crazy. My mother is not in the best of shape, as I have mentioned. She lives a town away, I check on her when I can, and make the arrangements for her doctors and all the medical razzmatazz. Stepfather is annoyed by this, he says it cramps their style. Can you believe it?? In any case, he complains to his daughter, who by the way, is a real piece of work, when the good lord handed out the noggins, she was at the tail end of the empty line, I think inside that head is a vacuum. Like outer space, with just a few atoms of intelligence, floating around, enough to keep her breathing, but no more

December Predictions: Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Ah December! The month that we love to love and love to hate and hate to love and every combination of love and hate and adhesive tape imaginable to the human brain. Try to ignore the pressure from the ads and the TV series that always seem to decorate their sets better than you ever could, with glittering garlands of live mistletoe twining the banister (you not only don't have a banister you're not 100% sure you'd recognize one if you saw one), and a seven foot tall tree that doesn't list to the side, nor die the morning after you drag it home. Be of good cheer - it only comes once a year, even though it seems like it lasts for 3 months.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
K-Mart, Wal-Mart, Food-Mart and Clothes-Mart look to be where Juno will be doing all her holiday shopping this month, even though you've been saving all year since last year's debacle (when you got your kid the wrong Guitar-Playing Simulation Game because what the hell could possibly be the difference??). This year, you had it all planned out: having put $500 smackers a month into your "can't lose" Christmas Mutual Fund, and watched it blossom until just about October when it disappeared into the vast solar system. Take solace from the fact that you are not alone: the rest of the world is broke too, except for rich people, who continue to have the inside track to, well, money. Take advantage of the discount sale that's going on at your local bank, recently renamed The Money Mart 'cause all the money in there is half-price.

Reaching Holiday Perfection: What Part of "Yes" Don't You Understand?

We are striving for perfection here, ladies, not balance. Remember, "stress" is one of the 21 Happy Woman words for "joyous holiday" and is therefore to be sought, not avoided! Please review our glossary for other useful synonyms, among them "guilt," "exhaustion," and "acid reflux."

Always remember: At holiday time, coffee is your best friend. Also make it your basic nutrient for December: Coffee drinks, coffee candy, coffee covered coffee beans. You know the bit about "sugar plums dancing in their heads"? You will have them dancing all over the house if you're doing coffee correctly. Think of them as your little encouraging spirits, offering up such holiday preparation nuggets as, "Hurry, hurry!" and "What are you sitting down for when there are cookies to be cut and lights to be hung and popcorn garlands to be strung and wreaths to be woven and trees to be baked and presents to be frosted and bells to be hollied and holly to be bollied . . . !!!"

When I arrive at the restaurant, Miss Aniston is already seated by the window, looking at home at a 'table for one'. As she smiles and rises to greet me, I unobtrusively scan her clothes for errant cat hairs. Though I find none, it is safe to assume that this single actress will eventually acquire at least six or seven cats to keep her company.

Aniston, who never took the name of her ex-husband Brad Pitt during their four-year-long marriage-a fact which may partly explain why it did not last, is dressed casually in a t-shirt and khakis, wearing little makeup. She looks as though she would be more comfortable wearing sweatpants and sitting in front of the television, which is likely something she does regularly, since she is single and lives alone. We chat pleasantly and order our drinks.

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Please help me settle a wager with my fiancé, Darryl. What is the appropriate number of engagement parties for a bride and groom to have? Darryl says only one, but I think it should be as many as to suit the couple (three, four, depending on subgroups like family, friends, co-workers, etc.) Please help a reader out! I have a pedicure riding on this! If Darryl wins, he gets a new telescope.

MAGS: This reminds me of the time I was asked to star in two different reality shows! One had me competing to be the sex interest of a character actor with narcolepsy, while the other had me fighting for my din-din on a desert island. These are the choices we have to make in life. It's so necessary to follow our hearts down the stairs and out the door, no matter where we end up when our hearts hail a cab. No matter what the meter reads when our hearts are too drunk to remember the name of a street that rhymes with "Fancy". Never forgetting that our hearts are the reason we have a smeared cocktail napkin with maybe an address or a hotel name plus a cute chimp doodle on it in our pocket...because our hearts were following someone or something somewhere!

We resisted as long as we could but during the summer we bowed to progress and introduced some "IN-TER-ACT-I-VIT-Y" to our site. (IN-TER from the Greek "house" and ACT-I-VIT-Y from the Latin "coat") and we really think this sort of thing will take off. It's like the HiFi of the oughts! Anyway, we really enjoyed hearing from our erudite audience, and the rest of you as well!

The two most commented on articles (oddly both articles were written as filler by the same author who is blushing behind her hanky at this outpouring of love! Can Cosmo be far behind?)

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Awkward Thank You Notes for Awkward Gifts

December Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

December Predictions: Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

Reaching Holiday Perfection: What Part of "Yes" Don't You Understand?

HW will return in the New Year

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