Est. May 2000 AD






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Goddess HoroscopesATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Well, ladies, we made it through another year.  It doesn't take an astrologer to predict that this year will be better than last.  Just the fact that SOMEthing will go right this year should bring you great comfort.  And something will go right this year, starting this very month: not only will you sign up for 6 training sessions at the gym - you will actually show up.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20 Now that the holidays are past, Juno can settle back into the peace and quiet of her own home: without visitors, and without visiting.  Back to ordering in Chinese, back to leaving piles of mail on the dining room table, and back to Season 1 of "Girls".  Who needs friends and family when you have HBO?


By Deb Victoroff

Dance Your Way Into His Heart!

We can already guess what some of you are thinking: "But, I can't dance a step!" "I've always had two left feet!"

Well, think again! We've teamed up with one of the best choreographers in the business. Yes, Paula

Abdul's talented second cousin once removed, Ms. Denise, has worked up three fabulous interpretive dance routines that even the least rhythmic among us can master in only a few practice sessions. We guarantee that your mate will thrill to your elegant stylings. He'll wonder why he hasn't begged you to dance for him sooner! Allow us to introduce Ms. Denise!

Ladies, hello!! Let's get right to work, shall we?

You'll need to invest in the dancer's basics listed here, but rest assured that your investment will return BIG dividends in your man's admiring gazes and, YES, ardor!

By Kate Heidel

Valentine Day Survival Tips for Singles

Valentine's Day caught you unattached again? Concerned about repeating last year's little incident involving a half-naked strip tease in front of your ex's building? (or so the police report claims.) Don't despair.These simple tips are guaranteed to get you through this Hallmark holiday with your head held high!

1. DO call in sick. Avoid the sight of every other female in the office (including your gay assistant) receiving one colorful bouquet of roses after another. Instead, stay home and using an old credit card receipt, track down your ex's current delivery and, posing as his secretary, cancel or change it to a lovely garden mum. If the florist gives you a hard time, tell him you've just been informed that the intended suffers a severe allergic reaction to roses resulting in paralysis and sometimes death.

2. DO NOT order take out -- unless you're willing to suffer the pity of even the pimple-faced pizza delivery boy.


By Julie Hansen

Valentine Verses to Avoid

If you're thinking of penning your own verse to the one you love this Valentine's Day, here are some suggestions of sentiments to avoid.

From Guys to Gals:

"I love your hair,
I love your eyes,
I love you right down to
Your stretch-marked thighs."

"I think of you in the quiet moments,
between endless committee meetings
and lunch with clients.

I think of you on the long commute home
to a quiet apartment.
And I'm glad you're gone."


By Elizabeth Hanes

Stalking Mr. Right

Everyone wants love; that's no secret. The problem, of course, is finding the right person to share your home and your secret Richard Simmons obsession. Sometimes, though, in the supreme injustice that is life, you DO find Mr. Right -- but he tells you he's married, gay, infected with a pesky VD, or not interested. Take heart - this does not mean that forging a meaningful emotional connection is impossible.Consider stalking him!

By stalking Mr. Right, you can keep him in your sights at all times, getting to know every intimate detail of his life - which is almost as good as being an intimate detail yourself. If you dedicate yourself to being his personal stalker, you'll have something to do on those lonely winter nights - stare wistfully through his window and name your six unborn children!

But be careful - there are certain points about the fine art of stalking to consider. You want to make sure the stalk is executed effectively, but you don't want to join the Kathy Bates ankle-smashing school of stalking. To keep things in perspective, here's handy list of "Dos and Don'ts" for beginners.


By Amy Krug