PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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LIBBY INTERVIEWS...
JENNIFER ANISTON

Well a hearty hello to my very dear fans, it's lovely to be back! Lovely for you and nice for me too. That enforced two year rest did me a world of good!

I recently had the opportunity to interview Jennifer at her palatial if very sad and lonely home. Of course all she wanted to talk about was the breakup which is completely understandable. As you can imagine I was a great comfort to the girl at this time in her life and it would be very embarrassing, but necessary, if she chose to thank me with a gift.

Libby: Dear, it's so very nice to see you again! Well, the D.I.V.O...

Jennifer: Yes, I know.

Libby R.C.E. is final. The last time I interviewed you, you were a newlywed. When I think back, you were as happy as a clam, thought the world held nothing but joy, bright eyed, layered hair, squared shoulder and jaw, set to take on the world, but here it is, years later, the ex is having a baby with the "other woman" and you're officially D.I.V.O....

Jennifer: Yes, I am. It's very hard to talk about.

LIbby: R.C.E.D. I completely understand, hey who hasn't been there? God! My sister Francie? Do you remember her? The last time I interviewed you, I said "My sister Francie says 'hi'"And you said "Hi, back" do you remember?

Jennifer: Um. Ok.

LIbby: Anyway, her husband Louis turned 55, got himself a new sports car, some new hair and a new, very helpful assistant if you can guess my meaning.Next thing you know Louis is away "on business" all the time.

Jennifer: Oh, dear.

Libby: Wait for this--Francie decides to surprise him on their anniversary by showing up late at his office with flowers and champagne.. She flings open his office door and there they are, both in their all-togethers and the very helpful assistant is painting his toenails!

Jennifer: Oh God!

Libby: You've seen Louis's feet too? Aren't they horrible? Anyway, she files for divorce and 4 years and $150,000 later the judge grants the divorce but denies her alimony! Francie gets a studio apartment has to go to work at Walmart to pay off the lawyer, gains 40 pounds and Louis moves to a luxury Palm Beach condo with the very helpful assistant.

Jennifer: Oh...that's...

Libby: It gets worse. Louis gets hit by a golf cart breaks both knees, Very helpful assistant disappears, Francie, a saint, takes him in, looks after him, nurses him back to health and just as they are planning to renew their vows he dies leaving all his money to very helpful assistant.

Jennifer: Oh!

Libby: And my second-cousin Enid? Her husband left her for the next door neighbour --the same woman who taught her to make Layered Salad, Enid's signature dish (which between you and me and the wall I've always found a bit heavy.) They always say that Enid died of a broken heart because she was in perfect health right up until the aneurysm. How cruel is fate?

Jennifer: Well...

Libby: And my girlfriend Isabel? She found out her husband Stan was cheating by going through his email. She found out he'd been having a relationship with a woman for eight years!

Jennifer: That's terrible!

Libby: Although believe me, Stan was no Brad Pi...- oh I'm so sorry- George Clooney - there had been signs, but Isabel just chose to ignore them

Jennifer: What signs?

Libby: Oh, he stopped coming home in the late '90's and asked Isabel for a divorce five years ago.

Jennifer: Yeah, those are some pretty clear signs.

Libby: But, Isabel was blinded by love. Or more specifically security and comfort. She has a lot of the former now because she was put in jail for stalking Stan and hacking into his computer. I'd hope she could've done Martha-time but she spoiled that with the stupid death threat to Stan's girlfriend Aggie who, no offence to her, has a face exactly like a rubber Nixon mask. I don't know what Stan saw in her.

At least Brad went for Angelina who truth be told, I'd go gay for, so you must find that a comfort.

Jennifer: What?

Libby: What I mean is, if you're going to be thrown by the side of the road like yesterday's laundry it must be so much more comforting to be dumped for someone who is better than you.

Jennifer: ... I don't think she's better than me…

Libby: Oh, yeah, trust me she is. I mean she is gorgeous. Those lips alone! -She's a real life honest-to-goodness movie star. Sure there was the weird Billy Bob Thornton thing but Angelina is very, very young and I think she was just having a little rebellion, don't you think? Her name Angelina Jolie means "Pretty Little Angel" Isn't that sweet? Gosh I wonder what the world would have held for me if I'd had a handle like that instead of Libby Zimmerman.

Jennifer: ...Ummm

Libby: And you, gosh what on earth is a kid to do with your real name, What is it? Anastassakisassakisassakistassakistaassakis...

Jennifer Anastassakis

Libby: Oh, Lord. It starts to make sense now doesn't it? Do you know that she originally wanted to be a funeral director? Isn't that something? Ask Men says "Angelina Jolie is an exotic combination of beauty, talent and deadly charm." I think that pretty well sums it up don't you? And she's won a Golden Globe and she's won an Oscar and in 2001, she was made a Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees. And the movies she's made!

Jennifer: Hm.

Libby: Gone in 60 Seconds, Gia, Tomb Raider Girl, Interrupted, George Wallace, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow...

Jennifer: Well that actually brings up the reason for the interview. I've got a couple of films coming out...

Libby: And those eyes.

Jennifer: I'm sorry?

Libby: She's got beautiful eyes. She didn't get those from her father believe me. I met Jon Voight years ago and he was so drunk his eyes were exchanging sockets but even had they been stationary they did not have that luscious, sultry, cat-like tilt.

Jennifer: Uh huh, anyway Brad and I are still partners in Plan B Entertainment we produced the upcoming Martin Scorsese crime thriller "The Departed," starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg.

Libby: If it weren't for the cheekbones I'd be telling Angelina to get the name of her parent's postman. You get it? Postman? We used to say the milkman but no one gets milk delivered anymore although I could swear that I saw your roommate Monica pick up milk bottles from the mat.

Jennifer: Monica's not my roommate.

Libby: Oh I didn't know that, you have had a bad year! Listen honey, take my advice. As someone who has been successfully married four times I can tell you attitude is everything. take a holiday, get a suntan, maybe a perm, a little therapy. Rest relax, then who knows, maybe Ross would take you back!