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Lara

You misunderstood--when I say they leave the room I mean they are threatened by me.

Libby

Why, what have you been doing to them?

Lara

What I mean is, the way I look seems to threaten other women.

Libby

Well you do wear a lot of eye make-up and that's kind of scary. Maybe if you tone it down, practice a nice smile. Do you think that's why Harrison's wife left him? She got spooked by the leer and the gloss?

Lara

I had nothing to do with the break-up of that marriage.

Libby

Oh, hon I believe you, after all he's a big movie star he could have a 'name' girlfriend. You've were also linked romantically with David Spade--that I could see, he's a squirt too and funny!!!! Oh God I loved him in... what's that movie, the one where he was funny..

Lara

Black Sheep? Tommy Boy?

Libby

No, that's not it, the one where he was a waterboy It'll come to me--

Lara

It doesn't matter anyway, we were never boyfriend and girlfriend.

Libby

Oh, that's a shame hon, if he'd been interested you could have snuggled up to him for a couple of years then you could have moved up to the big names.

Lara

I don't need a "name' boyfriend, I'm doing just fine by myself thank you very much.

Libby

And there was some talk about you dating Jack Nicklaus...

Lara

Jack Nicholson. The Chief..

Libby

But don't worry hon I didn't believe a word of it, they print all kinds of rubbish on a slow celebrity news day.

Lara

I wouldn't say it was rubbish. The whole world is in love with Jack why can't I be?

Libby

You're nice kid in a kind of rough way. I just want you to know you don't have to make up pretend boyfriends just to impress me.

Lara

Are you for real?

Libby

I'm just saying maybe you should rethink that David thing, get a nice frock, practice smiling and how-do-you-do's and who knows maybe they will make a film about you, I mean anything's possible.

You're too old to be an ingenue but with a little luck and my fingers crossed who knows? You might get a nice "mom" role if you washed of the goop.

Best of luck darling.

Lara

**** you.

Dear Readers:

I am in mourning.

I am mourning the old studio days.

The days when starlets knew their place. The days when an interview could make or break a career. I grieve for the days when there would be a fruit basket from MGM waiting for me the minute I returned home.

Instead...a quart of Chivas and I'm still shaking.

I blame MTV and Russia.

©2000-2001 www.happywomanmagazine.com

Please Note: This is a parody of a magazine, so don't come crying to us if someone accidentally took out your liver or you starved to death on our diet. The interviews are not real and the interviewers are not real.

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