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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Premenstrual Easter Decorating With Dust Bunnies!

by Kate Heidel

In synergy with our Premenstrual Philosophy of Dusting -- "Why Bother?" -- we've developed a delightful array of premenstrual decorating ideas for Easter, whose main feature is the prodigious dust bunny. Yes, if you've followed our no-dust policy for as little as two months in only one uncarpeted room, you'll find all the little puffs you need to create a premenstrual panoply of adorable Easter decorations. Here comes the Easter Dust Bunny, and his friends, too!

General Preparation

Sweep all the dust-bunny material you have accumulated from diligent lack of housekeeping into an old pillowcase. Tape the pillowcase shut and gently roll it over a carpet or rug until it has formed into the shape of a big ball. You now have the natural equivalent of polyfill, from which you can pull dust-bunny material according to your size needs. Talk about convenience, and it doesn't cost a penny!

Premenstrual Peter Dust Bunny

 

1. Using an all-purpose craft glue, stick it all together.

2. We haven't got the slightest idea what to use for the bunny ears and legs.

3. Do we look like Martha Stewart??

4. Use your imagination, for heaven's sake.

Tie a festive blue ribbon around Peter Bunny's neck, and voila!

Now create Peter's friend, Premenstrual Penelope Dust Bunny, as shown above, but substitute pink ribbon for blue.

Premenstrual Baby Dust Bunnies

You're a bunny pro by now, so just think small! Repeat 20 or 30 times, breeding, as it were, like the proverbial rabbit.

Premenstrual Easter Chick Dusties

1. One larger and one smaller dust bunny. Glue 'em.

2. You could use thumbtacks for the eyes. No wait, they're way too large.

3. Oh, please, it's not that big a deal. Just improvise.

4. This time we've very cleverly conceived the idea of using yellow pipe cleaners for the chick legs, and bending them for the feet.

5. However, you're still out of luck with regard to bunny ears and legs. Never mind rolling your eyes -- do you have any idea how irritating it is to come up with this seasonal decorating hooey time and time again?!!

 

Premenstrual Egg Dusties

1. A bunch of little dust bunnies. Try to make them uniform in size, or there's really no point.

2. Spray each egg a different color, and place in an Easter basket obtainable from any craft store. If you must use that fake, shiny grass as a nest for the eggs, okay. Although it really is SO tacky.

 

Premenstrual Lady Bug Dusties

1. VERY tiny dust bunnies.

2. What you do to make them look like actual lady bugs is entirely up to you.

If desired, spray Peter, Penelope, and baby dust bunnies with your favorite colors for Easter. However, please note that your home-grown dust bunnies bear a remarkable similarity in color to a real, live, brown bunny! Happy Easter, everyone!!

P.S. We realize your little chicks aren't yellow, but with yellow legs and feet, we felt that was going a bit overboard. It took us long enough to think up that pipe-cleaner business, so kindly give credit where credit is due.

P.P.S. How about Q-tips and toothpicks? (Bunny ears and legs.) No?? Fine! Try doing better, you big bunch of Easter Know-it-Alls!!

© 2006 Kate Heidel

OTHER HW ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL

 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.