EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Do it Yourself Appendectomy



By Sharon Grehan -Howes

There are hundreds of ways to save money by doing it yourself. This month it's fun for the whole family!

What you will need:

The Diagnosis: appendicitis symptoms include: high fever, pain in the right side of the abdomen, nausea, vomiting, constipation  inability to pass gas, or if the patient just looks peaked.

Preparation:Have the patient drink four glasses of vodka, straight is preferred
but a dash of vermouth never killed anyone.Take a swig yourself as a steady hand is essential. Have the patient strip to their skivvies and cover them with a tablecloth.  Swab the stomach with the vodka and poke.
When the patient yells the loudest mark the area with a laundry marker.

The Operation:With the scalpel make a  3 inch gash in the lower abdomen, splitting the abdominal muscles on the lower right. If using the good scissors make sure they are not pinking shears, otherwise it is very messy and time consuming. Separate the skin (this is where children come in handy, but their little hands must be peanut butter and jelly free!)

What to Look For:
The appendix  is a small finger of intestinal tissue protruding from the area near the junction of the small and large bowels.

Isolate the appendix, cut it free and remove it.  ( A special note of caution don't allow your dog in the room) Close the intestine, cauterize with a curling iron or hot glue gun. Have a peek just in case anything else doesn't look right, if something looks weird,you might as well remove it while you're in there.  Take care however not to remove the lower intestine or the small and large bowels, because the patient will probably need them. Anything else however can go.

With the vacuum, suction any fluid or pus. (Very gross, but think of the money you've saved!)

Sew up the tummy with a neat cross stitch and you're done!

Special Note: If the patient develops a high fever or is hemorrhaging. bundle them in the car  (being careful to remove any id)  drop them behind a convenience store and call 911.