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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Make Your Own Perfume!

By Elizabeth Hanes

Have you ever wished you could afford expensive designer perfumes? Or have you ever wished you had a "signature scent" - a perfume unique to you, and you alone? Well now you can! Follow these simple instructions to make your very own, unique perfume or cologne.

You'll need:

 

If civet cats aren't native to your area, cruise around the countryside looking for a dead skunk on the side of the road. Using a pocketknife, carefully remove the musk gland and place it in a plastic bag. If you don't live near the countryside, go the limburger cheese route.

Crush the flower blossoms as finely as possible with a mortar and pestle. Alternatively, place them in your food processor and pulse until finely minced. Do the same with the pine needles.

Now comes the experimentation. Combine a tiny amount of the musk (or cheese) with a small amount of the flowers, pine needles, and wormwood oil. Tinker with the proportions until you have a scent you can live with. Mix up a big batch, add purified water and let it stand for several weeks, tightly covered in a warm place.

Six weeks later, drink the rubbing alcohol. Remove lid from the perfume concoction, then carry the foul-smelling mess outside and pour it sparingly along your property lines to keep the neighborhood dogs from coming onto your property and soiling it. Drive to a perfumery and purchase a custom-mixed scent. Voila!