PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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The 1-2-3 Guide to This Year's Hottest Hair Trend

By Crystal Click

This year's mega trend is a boon for busy women across the nation, nay the world. Ever pressed for time, today's woman has gone beyond the popular wash and wear styles of five minutes ago. Now they are to simply WEAR styles. The Wear is the millennium's answer to the Beehive, without the Aqua Net.

 

 

 

 

No longer will you have to slink repentantly into the hairdresser for an emergency "trim" after a 2 a.m. rendezvous with a bottle of Midol and a pair of kitchen shears. "Fix what?" she'll say.

  Don't be surprised if people mistake you for a Hollywood megastar when they see you flitting around town with your new do. The man in your life will rejoice over your new freedom from the chains of hair entanglement. The day I came home with my Wear-do, my man said, "You didn't tell me you were going to the gym." My new look not only gave my spirits a lift, I must have looked thinner.

The Wear will work on any length hair. To achieve optimum results you need A) natural wave B) a home perm or C) a vat of pine tar.

Step 1. This is the easy part. Abstain. No showers, no shampoo for at least a week. Good time to build that thatched hut you have been including on your list of things your really wanna do this year. Natural oils are much better for your tresses and the environment, but if you have a pressing social event you can always apply a healthy smattering of petroleum jelly to your roots to speed up the process. Remember: less is only more if you are talking about physical labor.

Step 2. Late in the evening, on the day your hair is at peak lubrication, thoroughly wet it with imported mineral water (preferably one that tastes like a mixture of acetaminophen and aluminum foil, the more minerals, the less flexible the hair shaft becomes). You may blot out the excess water with a towel.

Step 3. While hair is still very damp, to bed you go to let the Sand Man do his magic. Actually, it is the tossing and turning that manufacture the highly aesthetic lack of volume and uneven waves but if you are unhappy with the result a good handful of sand WILL add texture and sparkle.

For a fetching nighttime look, tie hair in a high pony tail with left over yarn from any of the forty yarn inclusive projects you started and didn't finish in your crafty stage. Then, emulsify eight teaspoons of 100% organic opossum guano by rubbing your palms together in the fashion of self-seeking gold diggers. Work this mixture through your locks and arrange the free strands Stein-esquely (Think Albert Ein or Bride of Franken). You are now ready for an evening of dinner and dancing or a friendly game of rugby. You are guarantied to look just as fresh when the evening ends as you did when you arrived at the event.

Deceptively simple in nature, the Wear-do transcends all cultural barriers. It is the official hair style of the USA's 2003 delegates to Fashion Victims for Peace and has been voted Best Style of the Year by Four Ladies Who Ride Really Big Motorcycles and Chew Tobacco.

© 2003 Crystal Click

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Crystal Click comes fresh from rural America with an internet ready name, a hard-working husband and several small children with home hair cuts. Contact Crystal Click