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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Calphalon, My Lovely

By Elaine Langlois

You finally have that perfect six-figure kitchen. So the next question becomes, what is the right sort of cookware for you to use? Is there any other choice? The cookware of the millennium, ladies, is Calphalon.

Why Calphalon? Well, first off, Calphalon is expensive. We take pride in saying that a starter set almost certainly costs more than the pots and pans of all your friends put together. It is also clearly recognizable from a distance as Calphalon, so it will clear to them that you can afford the best.

Calphalon has a number of features that set it apart from other fine cookware. For instance, it is as heavy as cast iron, the cookware of choice of our ancestors. So you can see that it takes a special kind of woman to handle Calphalon. In an emergency, Calphalon can be used for self-defense. We know personally of a case of robbery foiled by a woman armed only with our Omelette Pan.

Another distinctive feature of Calphalon is that nonstick cooking sprays are best not used with it. These sprays can cause a gummy residue to build up on the surface of your pan. In cookware, as in life, surface is what really matters. Foods will not stick to your Calphalon if you follow these simple steps:

1. Allow foods to warm slightly (this is best accomplished by taking them out of the refrigerator).

2. Preheat your pan over medium heat. Test it by tapping it with your fingers. If it raises blisters, your pan is ready. Alternatively, use a stick of butter to coat the inside of the pan (take the wrapper off first). If the butter immediately turns brown and sets off the smoke detector, the pan is too hot. Your next step should be to turn the heat down.

3. Keep your cookware scrupulously clean (more on this below). For assistance, we suggest our online tutorial, "How Can I Tell if My Calphalon Is Clean?"

You will need to add a tablespoon of oil or butter when cooking with most Calphalon. We are sure from what we know of you that you will not feel threatened by this. Nutritionists are the first to admit that we need some fat in our lives. An extra mile on the treadmill should cover it.

At a suggested retail price of $100 for the Everyday Pan, your Calphalon is an investment. Treat it so. We ask that you not stack Calphalon on Calphalon, nor let it associate too closely with other types of pots and pans.

Calphalon is tough, yet tender. Do not put it through the dishwasher. This will void your Lifetime Warranty and cause us intense personal pain. To clean nonstick Calphalon, gently massage it with Q-Tips and baby oil. For Calphalon with hard-anodized aluminum or stainless steel surfaces, scrub vigorously with #3 steel wool and a paste composed of ordinary household soap and feldspar (wear leather gloves). This is a good opportunity to catch up on your books on tape and develop those upper-arm muscles. Disparaging remarks, such as "How long is it going to take to get this wretched pot clean?" certainly will not help. For stubborn stains, hooking the pan onto the back of your SUV and driving through a carwash should yield good results.

So, when you're ready for cookware that makes a statement about your material success, choose Calphalon. We've heard our competitors running down the features of each other's cookware. We don't engage in that kind of negative advertising. In fact, it strikes us as (dare we say it?) the pot calling the kettle black. Ho! Don't say we don't have a sense of humor here at Calphalon.

©2001 Elaine Langlois All Rights Reserved

About the author:

Elaine Langlois is a writer and editor who spends more time washing dishes than she would like, thanks to Calphalon.

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved