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This Month:

January 2008

¿Por qué simplemente sobrevivir, cuando podemos ser fabulosamente felices, también?

(why just get by when we can be fabulously happy, too?)

Dear Madrone,

I don't understand anything. And you understand everything. Why is that? Baffled, Malone.

Dear Baffled,

You understand at least one thing.. that you're baffled. That puts you ahead of 99.9999 per cent of people in the world. I don't understand things either, I'm just telling you how they are. That doesn't make me smart, just makes me honest. Which puts me ahead of 99.9999 per cent of people in the world, which by the way aren't the same 99.9999 per cent as yours.

God bless, Donna

Dear Madrone,
Last week, my neighbor's cousin's son's dog was running loose around the block. Said neighbor's cousin's son was nowhere in the vicinity. The dog, by the way, is not a cute-poodle-in-a-purse-type. It looks like the son of a grizzly bear that married the kind of horse that pulled junk carts back in the day. With the disposition of a unpaid bookie, btw. So not a good thing. Don't tell us to go talk to them, they are seriously scary, like the dog. The dog catcher is no use, he couldn't catch a cold, he's the son of the son of a friend of the town supervisor, got his job by promising not to move a muscle, which for him was not a big sacrifice, as he never leaves his house. So what do we do??? Terrified, Las Palmas

Dear Terrified,

You COULD get yourself a wrench, the kind that a really big plumber uses for loosening really tough elbow joints. The dog comes on your turf, which can be interpreted any way you want, near your stuff or yourself or your people, you take it out, one whack right to the skull will usually do it. Problem solved. Or you COULD get the rest of the neighborhood together, and make these scary people think twice when everyone on the block gives them the hairy. Or you COULD figure out something that's important to them, and start to mess with it, on the sly, like the time my sister's husband's aunt got tired of the way the people upstairs would take her paper, so she got even by bringing them home-made apple pie, every day, which they couldn't resist, even though they were obese and diabetic. Or you COULD act crazy, growling around their house, like YOU were a dog, make them wonder. Or this, or that... I could go on, there's a million things you COULD do, And the beauty of it is, you wouldn't have to actually do them, but you'd have to be willing to, and your neighbors would be able to smell it. Guarantee. But that's not what you're asking, and as for that, I send my regrets...I can't grow you a pair. God Bless, Donna

Dear Madrone,

This is the beginning of a new year. Do you make New Years Resolutions? A fan, Maspeth

Dear Maspeth,

The only resolution to make is not to make resolutions. Waste of time, God Bless, Donna

Dear Readers- That last question reminds me..Hop In the Ass, as my grandfather, may he rest, used to say this time of year.

I forget that you all don't have the waste of time Hall Of Fame tattooed on your forehead, which most of you should. SO here are the top contenders-

  • Guilt
  • Regret
  • Pity
  • Whining
  • Nagging
  • Worrying
  • Making resolutions

There are more, but these are the most common wastes of the precious minutes we have left on this earth.

God bless, Donna

 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Pamela Bongiorno Monk is a full time faculty member of Penn State University, where she teaches creative writing, both fiction and non fiction. She pursues freelance writing, authoring plays and feature articles. She has broken nearly as many rules of family as she has enforced.

Rules of Family Archive

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