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APRIL 2008

Dear Madrone,

I am a guy. I want you to explain women. I was at Costco, stocking up on necessities, by which I mean the economy pack of TP- 1000 sheets, 5.99, unbelievable bargain, when this young lady about my age passes by me, gives me the once over and rolls her eyes. A seriously negative roll. From one to ten, if one was Hey sweetface and ten was Get the tongue depressor ready, this was an eight. I was disturbed and insulted. Here I am minding my own business, I do not deserve the hairy eyeball. What ails her? Tidy, Bowling Green

Dear Tidy,

I can not tell you what ails her. And nine times out of ten, when a guy asks you to explain women, it means he already knows what he thinks and is only waiting for you to agree. I have no time for that. I will spend one of my precious minutes explaining to you however the question you should have asked me, which you did not, and that's because I have a kind heart, not that I think it will do you any good, because nobody really wants to hear the answer to the question they should have asked but didn't, unless of course it's an answer they like.. The question you should have asked is this: Why does this matter to me? God Bless, Donna

Dear Readers,

Here's some more questions that nine times out of ten are not the question that people are really asking. You answer these questions, I don't care if you. lie, tell the truth, either way you're gonna pay for it.

  • Do I look fat?
  • Do you think she's pretty?
  • How much did that cost you?
  • Do you ever think about someone else?
  • How much do you make?
  • Who is your favorite child, mommy?
  • Do you think I should dye my hair?
  • Why am I always the bad guy?
  • Who died and made you boss?
  • What's the matter with men?
  • What's the matter with women?
  • Do you respect me?
  • Are you out of your mind?
  • Why don't you understand me?
  • Why do you always get to Fill in blank
  • Why do you people act that way?

Now you're gonna ask me what to do if you can't answer. Well, I didn't say you CAN'T answer, I just said you were going to take heat either way. Assuming you don't want to be bothered with that, there are a couple of ways to handle it.

First case, the person asking the question has something you want.

Then take the time to figure out what they are really asking, and answer that. For example Do I look fat, just about always means, Do you like how I look? So you can just answer that question instead. I love how you look. Bingo! Case closed, problem solved.

Second case, the person asking the question either has nothing you want, or wants something from you. Then you answer with a question of your own.

So good questions for Do I look fat? are:

  • Do I?
  • Why would you ask such a thing?
  • Don't you know that's a bad question to ask?
  • Did you know asking that question means you love/hate me?
  • Do I look like I care?

Guaranteed to change the subject every time.

God bless, Donna

A WARNING- Do not let your children read A CAT IN THE HAT.

It's very disrespectful to mothers. Why would she leave her children with a crepe hanging fish? And where was she going at three in the afternoon in pearls and a shirtwaist? I ask you.

 


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Pamela Bongiorno Monk is a full time faculty member of Penn State University, where she teaches creative writing, both fiction and non fiction. She pursues freelance writing, authoring plays and feature articles. She has broken nearly as many rules of family as she has enforced.

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