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A treat for Donna Fans in PA!

Pamelapolis Productions Presents

FORBIDDEN VALLEY 8:
THE BLUE SKY IS FALLING

for more info
http://pamelamonk.weebly.com/

Dear Madrone,

I am so furious I could spit. My mother, god bless, is no spring chicken. She's not even a summer chicken, more like a late fall, early winter bird. She is married to a man, who for the sake of anonymity, I will call Stepfather." My father is in heaven with the angels. I would say I'm glad he isn't alive to see this, but if he was alive, there wouldn't be anything to see. Here's what has made me crazy. My mother is not in the best of shape, as I have mentioned. She lives a town away, I check on her when I can, and make the arrangements for her doctors and all the medical razzmatazz. Stepfather is annoyed by this, he says it cramps their style. Can you believe it?? In any case, he complains to his daughter, who by the way, is a real piece of work, when the good lord handed out the noggins, she was at the tail end of the empty line, I think inside that head is a vacuum. Like outer space, with just a few atoms of intelligence, floating around, enough to keep her breathing, but no more. Anyhow, you think I exaggerate, wait til you hear what she did. She cancelled my mother's appointments so her father wouldn't be put out. So he could take a trip to the shore, which he won't, because he's too cheap, but he wants to think he can, AND, she never saw fit to mention it to me. Not a how do you do or a whaddayathink? Nothing. I only found out when the doctor got the order to cancel and couldn't believe I sent it, which is only right because I didn't. Can you imagine?

I wonder if you have any advice on how I may whack this whackjob without taking any heat?

Beyond Aggravated, East Lyndenhurst.

PS. My best to you and yours this holiday season.

Dear Beyond,

Unfrigging believable. I can't even imagine how someone who would do something like that has survived to adulthood. All balls and no brains, my blessed aunt used to say. But even though I hate to, I have to break it to you. Murdering the person in question might make you feel better, it might even be called for, but in the long run, I don't advise it. There's American laws against it, and when you get put away, who will look out for your mother? There is no way to escape the heat should you decide to exact that kind of outright vengeance. So in answer to your question, no. I have no advice on this topic.

God bless, Donna

Dear Readers,

I can already here you all yowling from Half Moon to Sheepshead Bay, so what can I tell you? It is not possible to whack someone, anyone, without taking heat of one kind or another. Sorry, deal with it. But what can you do when vengeance is in order, or when you need to send a message, or you need to make someone pay? Here are some guidelines, in time for the holiday season, when most people don't understand how to manage their overwhelming urge to leap over the table and strangle their wife's cousin's exgirlfriend who is only there because of the ankle bracelet and the joint custody arrangement.

GUIDELINES FOR MAKING THE MOST OF FACE TIME WITH RELATIVES and ASSORTED OTHERS YOU WOULD PREFER TO ELIMINATE FOR THE GOOD OF THE FAMILY, THE NATION and ALL OF HUMANITY. as well as for YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND. *

1. Understand that actual violence is hardly ever an answer.

2. Understand that implied violence used correctly, is much better, as it leaves you free and others paralyzed.

3. The art of implying violence is far more difficult to get the hang of than actually hauling off and punching someone in the snoot.

  • A. First be sure that the person in question has nothing that you want.
  • B .If they do not, proceed. If they do, then rethink.
  • C. Assuming they have nothing, give a shot to the following techniques
  • i. Staring with an evil look.
  • ii. Cold shouldering
  • iii. Catty remarking that stops as soon as they enter the room
  • iv. Insults that sound like compliments. (Oh, I can't believe how you managed to get that little dress on!
  • C. (alternative) Take care of the situation that is a pain, and do not refer to their troublemaking interference. - can be effectively troubling to people who know that they deserve what's coming.
  • v. Widening eyes with a look that says, you're dead. Seriously. you're dead.

The trick with all of these is that you have to mean them all the while knowing you have no intention of ever lifting a finger.

4. Once you've master the art of implying violence, then you need to know when to do the implying. Power is meant to ensure safety and justice- You can't be keeping everyone safe and treated fairly, so you have to pick and choose who benefits from your muscle..

* These guidelines adapted from the Treaty on the Non-proliferation of Nuclear Weapons www.un.org/Depts/dda/WMD/treaty/


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Pamela Bongiorno Monk is a full time faculty member of Penn State University, where she teaches creative writing, both fiction and non fiction. She pursues freelance writing, authoring plays and feature articles. She has broken nearly as many rules of family as she has enforced.

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