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APRIL  2010

Dear Madrone,

Not too long ago, a TV person who runs one of those makeover shows Ė this one was called something like From Hot Mess to  Hot Ness, came to my house to offer me a fat wad of cash if I would let them change me for the better-their better.  I turned them down flat.  Nervy rat faced SOBs they were. I am 43,I live with my  mother (saint), donít have any problems with women- my main squeeze is just that, (inflatable and stored in a box under my futon.) So what if Iím in to the bookies for gambling debts, when I do finally hit it, all will be taken care of, which could be as soon as next week, I just have a feeling about that, and IF I ever went on a trip on a bus, which I probably wonít since there isnít anywhere I think is worth the trouble of getting into actual pants for, I would have to pay for at least two seats. Iím  good with all that.  I had no problem giving the nosy busy bodies the boot. What do I need with their ďhelp?Ē  Hereís my problem. For those palookas, even to get my address, my so called near and dearest made an audition tape where they had to, get this, beg for me to be considered.  The jamokes showed me the damn tape, and now I know that people who I thought were my friends, like my two sisters, my cousin Lattie, and my minister think Iím a flat out loser. How do I get revenge without getting arrested?

MYOB, Palisades Park

Dear MYOB,

Revenge is a very dicey proposition.  You have to think it through very carefully, because, all that eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth crap comes back to bite you.   But what some people call forgiveness, other people call an invitation to walk all over you doormat style.  Thereís plenty of strategies for making people think twice the next time they try to help you out,   many of them legal.   But once you make people pay, things  between you change.   Do  you really want to go there?

God bless, Donna

Dear Madrone,

Yes,

MYOB

Dear MYOB,

OK , then.  See below. 

God bless,  Donna

 Dear Readers, and MYOB, how funny you should ask about revenge this month,  I gotta book coming out in one week on this very subject.  How to Make Them Pay. Nobody knows more about revenge than me,  I grew up in a family where  Paybacks are a Bitch was embroidered and hung right where some other people might put home sweet home or some such other useless comment.   So my first advice is wait one week and buy the book, it will have all you want to know and I will have something in my pocket,I hate to give it away. But Iím a good person, and I donít want to leave you with nothing. So while you are waiting for the delivery guy, hereís something you can do.

Who has what?  Itís very important to know, when planning any sort of payback, to know who has what. If the person who injured you has what you want, or do you have what they want?  So you could go two different ways.

1. If they have what you want, youíll have to sneak. It may not be as satisfying as a public revenge, but they canít know itís you.

2. If you have what they want, then go public. Depending on how badly they want what you have, and how much. (the whole quality, quantity thing) theyíll have to decide how much to thank you for the mess youíre making for them.

As for the rest, you really need my book. 

 

.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Pamela Bongiorno Monk is a full time faculty member of Penn State University, where she teaches creative writing, both fiction and non fiction. She pursues freelance writing, authoring plays and feature articles. She has broken nearly as many rules of family as she has enforced.

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