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JANUARY/ FEBURARY 2011

Listen to Donna on the Radio

Dear Readers

Hop in the Ass as my grandfather (may he rest) used to say. Itís twenty frigging eleven, who could ever have predicted that? Oh waitÖ. Anybody could.   Which is to say, anybody with any sense that is.  There are all sorts of nutsy cuckcoo jamokes out there who think that the world is going to end because of this or that thing.  Well I have news for you...the world isnít going anywhere. Sooner or later YOU will, though.   Not to be a wet blanket or anything, but thatís how it is.  Speaking of whichÖ

Dear Madrone,   

I am not a spring chicken, although Iíve been a winter chicken so long, I might be seeing spring again any time now.   Thatís how that goes.  Iíve got a few years and a few pounds on me,  but I know how to enjoy myself with my better half. Weíve got a stash of what I like to call play things, for when we fool around.  So big deal. Nobody knows and nobody wants to know. I get that.  But this is what has me thinking.  I know we wonít be living forever, unless Iíve missed out on some newsflash. If one of us goes first, then no big deal. But what if weíre in a car fire on the Gowanus and the car explodes before we get out? And both of us are gone just like that, with no time to, you know, clean up the place. What if our kids (Tony, Tonette and Tory) find out what weíve been up to all these years, when they think weíve been sleeping with the TV on? 

Concerned Granny,Park Hook

Dear Granny

First let me say, God bless you and the old man.  You have a couple of options here.. maybe even more.  First, Iím assuming you think youíre going to a. KNOW and b. CARE what your posterity is up to once youíve headed off to your reward. So Iíll go with that. 

A. Let it be. They find whatever.

  If just one of the Tos is doing the clean up, they can pretend they never saw

††††††††††††††††††† If two or more of them find your naughty items, they will have a choice of reactions

         Ewwwww

         God bless

         Who put this there?

         What handcuffs, I donít see no handcuffs.

B. Write a note that you leave where theyíll see it. Start it out, with If youíre reading this, then Grampy and me have bought the farm, or lunch or whatever it is you say when you mean dead, explaining that back in the day, you got these sorts of things as extra incentive for buying sets of encyclopedias, (like the way gas stations gave you a set of steak knives when you filled your tank)  but you never USED them (see above for the reactions.) Notice theyíll have the same reaction whether or not you try to explain it.The truth is your kids donít want  to know about this, they donít want  to hear, read or even think about your explanation. Heck, I donít even know you and I just want to put my hands over my ears and say LALALALA and try to unsee whatever image is coming to my mind.

In other words, unless you want to go all I spy and figure out how to rig up some automatic destruct button that detonates the evidence as soon as both of your hearts stop beating, or get rid of everything yourself NOW while you are still in your right mind, there isnít all that much you can do. 

Just a personal note, of all the idiotic things to worry about, this takes the cake. If people put this much imagination into problems like dolphins choking on those plastic rings or world peace, we wouldnít have to wait to die to find Paradise. Get a grip.

God bless, Donna

PS, there is always this to consider. Once you get wherever it is youíre headed, you may not know a thing about what they think, and even if you do know, you may be very unlikely to care.

Tip for safe driving in the winter: Florida.

CONFIDENTIAL TO NOT A FLOOZY:  Remember the old saying: Iím rubber,  youíre glue bounces off me and sticks to you? In your case, this saying is absolutely no good.  Sounds to me like you ARE a floozy. Iím just saying.

 

 

.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Pamela Bongiorno Monk is a full time faculty member of Penn State University, where she teaches creative writing, both fiction and non fiction. She pursues freelance writing, authoring plays and feature articles. She has broken nearly as many rules of family as she has enforced.

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