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EST. May 2000 (AD)





The Elderly:

Are We Ready For Intergenerational Warfare?

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

There is a new threat to safety. A shocking report released by the Committee for Consumer Aesthetics yesterday revealed that by the year 2015 our neighborhoods will be overrun with the fastest rising group ever: The elderly.

Millions of elderly people are cropping up all over the US and Canada from out of nowhere.

Frightening statistics:

How to spot them:

The truth is, Elderly people are getting harder and harder to spot so here are some signs of Elder Affiliation:

What is causing them:

Dr. Engel Bearen shared his view: "Well it seems somedoctors have been telling patients to eat right, stop smoking, exercise, stay out of the sun. People are taking this quack advice seriously and living longer.

"It's Thalidomide all over again. These doctors are not looking at the long term effects. The country is crawling old people and we have no idea what to do with them."

"Families have to take responsibility" says Lee-Ann McEachnie a noted cosmetologist "instead of encouraging quiet sedentary activity and a slow decline, the sons and daughters of these folks have been encouraging outside activity and in extreme cases feeding them vegetables. The problems are not being dealt with in the home."

The Problem

Western Nations are not set up to deal with elderly people. Not only are they depressing to look at, they don't impulse buy. The biggest concern is that oddly enough, they are still allowed to vote and therefore have a very strong say. They have a lot of free time so they attend meetings, examine all issues. In essence, they are interfering with the democratic process as we know it.

"We are worried yes", says a corporate advertiser who wishes to remain unnamed and forever young. "We feel the media holds a certain responsibility and for the most part we have been successful --you don't see wizened faces often on mainstream TV and they have almost successfully disappeared from television commercials.

"Sure, occasionally we will bow to pressure from special interest groups who make feeble references to Older Americans Act of 1965 with its Bill of Rights for Older Americans but we deal with that by just throwing in a shot of an elder drinking a soda and going completely mental---that is hardly glamorizing old age.

"There is a rhythm in any society. We set that tone with commercials and it keeps society running at a set pace. If elders get their way, you can say good-bye to MTV and Action Films. Television will just be channel after channel of people with a huge frame of reference and thoughtful well-considered speech. Who needs that?"

What You Can Do.

One of the first mistakes people make is to ship them off to an old age home. That does not solve the problem as they often take courses and socialize-- in fact, in some cases the move has renewed the will to live.



DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved