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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Fabulous Fixes for Figure Flaws

By SB Shoemaker

Although everyone has the potential to be a size 0, not everyone is - the less disciplined of our fair sex simply can't resist the need to eat. Sadly, this weakness often combines with childbearing or the lack of a full time personal trainer to create unsightly growths called cellulite (French for "unsightly growths"). The end result is a "plus" size like a six, or, in more extreme situations if you've really let yourself go, an eight.

Never fear, if you can't help yourself and have been over-indulging by eating one, two, or, heaven forbid, three meals a day instead of the recommended none, you can still salvage a shred of dignity. The key is knowing how to minimize your supersized flaws.

Now you can look like you've spent a week at an exclusive weight loss spa - without ever leaving home! If you insist on consuming calories instead of just looking at them - these are the tips for you!

Tame That Tummy

Make the most of a big tummy by wearing maternity clothes. It works for pregnant women, why not the rest of us? Fashion options for those "in the family way" have become increasingly chic and sophisticated in recent years, so you can find a darling outfit to suit any occasion. Stop fighting that expanding waistline - choose a sleek ensemble that emphasizes it instead. An added bonus is the close-in parking available when everyone thinks your belly fat is really a bun in the oven.

Classic Comfort

The traditional response to an all-over figure problem has never gone out of style: muumuus. Like the little black dress (that you outgrew in high school), no wardrobe is complete without it. And why stop at one? A muumuu is comfortable, designed to accommodate the full spectrum of yo-yo dieting and, with the right accessories, can go from beach casual to a night on the town with ease, so buy several in a variety of colors.

Foreign Flair

For an air of mystery - irresistible to men - with international flair, nothing beats a burqua. A one size fits all solution to numerous figure flaws, a burqua not only eliminates bad hair days and the need for makeup (saving you money!), it allows you to adjust your thong in public with no one the wiser.

You're in the Army Now

Camouflage not only protects you from enemy snipers, it can make those extra pounds and inches disappear. What most women don't know is that prints can hide a host of evils. By wearing the right floral design, you can blend into almost any piece of furniture, making your true size impossible to determine.

Smooth Solutions

"Bulging" and "quivering" are words better suited for romance novels than your thighs. Keep those lumps and bumps under wraps with - plastic wrap. Stretched tightly in overlapping layers from ankle to hip, it acts as a giant ace bandage, smoothing and firming while trapping sweat against your skin, keeping it moist and providing an ideal incubator for culturing science experiments - perfect for the biology major who wants to look good, not just smart.

If You've Got It, Flaunt It

Use the magician's simple secret to success, diversion, to make the most of what you've got. Draw attention to your assets and away from your flaws by going topless. Once you start baring your breasts, no one will ever notice your varicose veins, saddlebags or stretch marks again. Just be careful when using a deep fat fryer.

Play Patriot Games

The stars and stripes forever should be your theme song - vertical stripes lengthen and slenderize your figure making you look lean and mean. If you doubt it, watch old prison movies and see how inmates were instantly transformed once they donned their state issued black and white ensembles. Note the opposite effect of horizontal stripes. Apply your new knowledge of optical illusions and you won't have to rob a bank to achieve the same results.

©2004 SB Shoemaker


Susan, a former flight instructor and air traffic controller, now spends most of her time looking for her car keys. She lives and writes in southern Wisconsin, but would much prefer to spend winters drinking and writing in the south of France. If you bothered to read this far, please contact all the publishers you know and tell them to send her money. Or you can cut out the middleperson and just send it to her directly.  Or wire it, because it isn't safe to send cash through the mail.  And ever since that incident involving the Fantasy Chippendale League, she no longer trusts the staff here at HW. Even though it was just a joke and she got her money back.

Other HW articles by Susan Shoemaker:


DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved