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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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How to WOW in 7 Simple Steps

By S.B. Shoemaker


You know how it is - with all the demands on a modern woman we just never have enough time for ourselves. Husbands, kids, school, work, household chores, car maintenance, and operating heavy machinery take priority, while our needs are ignored.

The results are all too apparent: our skin becomes lackluster or develops unsightly dry, flaky patches; instead of a chic coif we have a droopy "do"; and our clothing! Saggy baggy sweats equal instant dowdy. And our makeup! So last year!

Being a Mom doesn't automatically mean you have to look maternal. Just a few small changes in your daily routine can change that dreary "Mom" look into a WOW look that will have your man - and your pets - eating out of your hand.

1. Adequate rest is essential to your good looks. Before getting out of bed in the morning, ask your husband to get you a glass of water. When he leaves, lock the door behind him and go back to bed. After all you've done for your family, you deserve a few moments of peace and quiet and a little extra beauty sleep will do wonders for that haunted look you've been wearing ever since your kids became Goths.

2. Duct tape makes a fabulous and inexpensive addition to your personal care arsenal, replacing wax and body scrubs. By using it for hair removal, you not only get smooth, stubble-free legs, you also remove those extra layers of dead skin cells, exposing the new skin hiding underneath to reveal a younger looking you!

3. Duct tape can also be used to restore the perkiness you lost after the second pregnancy. Just tear off a strip about 12 feet long and carefully wrap around your breasts, molding into the desired shape. Before you begin, be sure to complete a test patch on your nipples to check for any adverse reactions.

4. The essence of beautiful hair is a good basic cut and the right styling products. This needn't be expensive. The choppy, tousled look is all the rage right now, a look easily achieved with a little confidence and a four year old with scissors. Afterwards, you can keep that "fresh from the salon" look all day long - mix equal parts school glue and mayonnaise, comb evenly from roots to ends, then arrange in the desired shape and let dry.

5. A fabulous appearance starts with beautiful skin. A good facial is essential but not everyone can afford a trip to the spa. With careful use, your iron can do double duty - just set to "steam" and smooth those wrinkles away!

6. Once you've finished moisturizing and de-creasing, head to your closet and your pantry. Grab a slip, your scissors, and some Lime gelatin. The bold, cut-out designs in bright neon colors straight from the Milan runways are fast and easy to achieve. With just a few snips of the scissors and a quick tint from the gelatin, you can become a high fashion goddess your husband will adore.

7. Artfully applied makeup is the finishing touch to the new you. Back to nature is the latest trend and the ingredients are no farther than your own kitchen. A good, fresh-looking base that evens out skin tones and helps hide imperfections is all-vegetable shortening (avoid lard, it contains cholesterol). Pre-tint to match your complexion using instant coffee, ketchup and mustard. Remember to blend well! Dry raspberry gelatin adds a natural, rosy glow to lips and cheeks. And because your eyes are the window to your soul, add some smoky highlights with ground sage and emphasize your lashes with some molasses.

With these seven simple steps, you will be instantly transformed. Your family won't recognize the new you! And when you need a quick pick-me-up, don't forget that MOM is just WOW upside down - so stand on your head and be ready for the many compliments that follow!

©2004 SB Shoemaker


ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Susan, a former flight instructor and air traffic controller, now spends most of her time looking for her car keys. She lives and writes in southern Wisconsin, but would much prefer to spend winters drinking and writing in the south of France. If you bothered to read this far, please contact all the publishers you know and tell them to send her money. Or you can cut out the middleperson and just send it to her directly.  Or wire it, because it isn't safe to send cash through the mail.  And ever since that incident involving the Fantasy Chippendale League, she no longer trusts the staff here at HW. Even though it was just a joke and she got her money back.