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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Valentine Articles

Valentine Day Survival Tips for Singles

By Julie Hansen

Valentine's Day caught you unattached again? Concerned about repeating last year's little incident involving a half-naked strip tease in front of your ex's building? (or so the police report claims.) Don't despair.These simple tips are guaranteed to get you through this Hallmark holiday with your head held high!

1. DO call in sick. Avoid the sight of every other female in the office (including your gay assistant) receiving one colorful bouquet of roses after another. Instead, stay home and using an old credit card receipt, track down your ex's current delivery and, posing as his secretary, cancel or change it to a lovely garden mum. If the florist gives you a hard time, tell him you've just been informed that the intended suffers a severe allergic reaction to roses resulting in paralysis and sometimes death.

2. DO NOT order take out -- unless you're willing to suffer the pity of even the pimple-faced pizza delivery boy.

3. DO avoid alcoholic beverages and other mood altering substances.Keep in mind most people do have Caller I.D. and your ex will not find you more alluring once he knows you called 42 times within a ninety minute period.

4. DO calculate your savings. Add up the cost of matching red, over-priced heart shaped bra and thong set from Victoria's Secret (to be worn once and then remanded to the back of your underwear drawer),flowery over-sized card (that causes date to hyperventilate as he pulls out the Peanuts card he got for you), and don't forget to add in the cost of sending yourself flowers to work (to save yourself embarrassment of boyfriend's chronic forgetfulness.)

5. DO go shopping. Seriously.This is an excellent night to beat the crowds at the grocery store or malls. So put on your best,throw those shoulders back and be on the look out for men. After all, at least you'll know they're available!

6. DO avoid sappy movies. Do not, I repeat DO NOT rent "Sleepless in Seattle", "Pretty Woman", "You've got Mail", or any other movie starring Meg Ryan or Julia Roberts.These are fairy tales created to make mere mortal women like you and I feel like old shoe leather. Instead, opt for something a little less emotional along the lines of "Fatal Attraction", "To Die For" or "I Married an Axe Murderer".

7. DO NOT grab the cat every time you walk by it, squeezing it within an inch of its life repeating "Oh Kitty-Witty, it's just you and me forever and ever". This added pressure on your pet may have the unpleasant consequence of Mr. Mittens attempting a suicidal dive into his water bowl - inadvertently increasing your Valentine's Day stress.

8. DO get up early on February 15th. Grab your wallet and race to the nearest drug store so you can be the first in line to snatch up all the half-priced chocolate creams, caramels and chewy nougats you can stomach. Just remember to pace yourself if you want to eventually have a date for the next Valentine's Day.

About the author: Julie Hansen is a freelance writer in New York City. She is currently accepting cash, Visa and positive feedback at Hellodolly1@earthlink.net

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved