PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Valentine Verses to Avoid

By Elizabeth Hanes

If you're thinking of penning your own verse to the one you love this Valentine's Day, here are some suggestions of sentiments to avoid.

From Guys to Gals:

"I love your hair,
I love your eyes,
I love you right down to
Your stretch-marked thighs."

"I think of you in the quiet moments,
between endless committee meetings
and lunch with clients.

I think of you on the long commute home
to a quiet apartment.
And I'm glad you're gone."


"From the moment we met,
my head was in a whirl,
I knew you were The One,
My low-maintenance girl."

"You are perfect just the way you are.
Of course, I wouldn't object if you
Lost a little weight, or
Put on some makeup now and then.
Or even if you'd stop chattering incessantly.
But otherwise, you're OK."

From Gals to Guys:

"I always knew someday
a knight in shining armor would come my way.
And sweep me off my feet,
Whisk me away,
Take me to a castle to frolic and play.
So why are we here in this '72 trailer,
With eight trucks in the yard and
A rusty hay baler?
Why don't you get off your butt and
Go get a job
To support these six children,
You lazy slob?"

"Your scent lingers
long after you've gone,
reminding me of the precious time we've spent together
and convincing me
not to serve baked beans
the next time you come over."

"I gaze tenderly at your face
as you sleep quietly next to me.
I can't see the facelift scars,
But the hair plugs aren't
Quite as random as they should be.
Your chin implant looks good,
And when you wear the blue contacts
You look a lot like Paul Newman.

I didn't fully realize
Exactly how vain you really are."

"You said you were sorry,
You feigned such remorse.
Happy Valentine's Day, honey,
I want a divorce!"

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