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The Waiter Mystique

By Elizabeth Davis

An impeccably groomed gentleman expertly refills your wineglass. Before clearing away the remnants of dinner, he wipes the crumbs from the tablecloth with the utmost finesse. Maintaining a congenial smile, he promises to return to you shortly with an offering of chocolate mousse pie. A penchant for tableware, this talented connoisseur of wine and spirits works in bistros, cafes, restaurants, and catering halls. Who is this amazing man? He is the sex symbol of the new millennium. He has many aliases, but is popularly referred to as…waiter.

Victims of a self-serve world, the average woman hopes to be regularly spoiled by a full-service man. Only a man with domestic sensibilities can arise to this challenge. Waiters consistently satisfy their female patrons by listening intently to their needs and desires, providing nourishment in a timely fashion, offering reliable service, and accommodating special requests and side-order substitutions. However, the waiter mystique can be explained on a deeper level.

Selflessness and dependability are two attributes that women find appealing in both their mates and in their food servers. Intrinsic to the estrogenic gender is their preoccupation with being taken care of and protected. Without uttering a single complaint or a begrudging expletive, gracious manservants acknowledge and promptly deliver "the goods." And, nothing gets a gal's digestive juices flowing like the dignified demeanor of a utensil-wielding honey donning a uniform. Their professionalism and commitment to excellence is evident from the tops of their white button-down shirts to the tips of their polished black shoes.

Wooing your very own platter carrier takes equal measures of discretion and feminine wiles. Most restaurant owners frown upon their servers fraternizing with customers. So, it's important for you to concoct subtle ways of carrying on a meaningful mealtime flirtation. Here are five inconspicuous suggestions:

• Reward your waiter with a 25% tip, or slip him your panties.
  
  
• Request an alcoholic beverage called, An Orgasmic Waiter. When he asks how to make this unusual drink, reply in a husky sex-kitten voice, "mix three parts you and two parts me."
  
  
• Order an entrée featuring a phallus-shaped meat, such as sausage, and take suggestive bites in your waiter's presence.
  
  
• Arrange your leftovers on your dinner plate to spell out your name and phone number.
  
  
• Before your waiter reaches for your empty dinner plate, seductively lick the plate clean in exaggerated swirling motions.
  
  
  

Waiters are the most lusted after group of male professionals. After all, firemen only come to a woman's aid if a gas explosion destroys her house; cops only attend to a woman's needs if she's been caught in crossfire. However, the complete opposite is true of the ubiquitous dining room hero. As long as eating remains a biological necessity, these hospitable gents will always be eagerly waiting to gratify a woman's hunger. Next time you get a hankering for romance, select a restaurant that employs hordes of waiters, and enjoy a titillating evening. In between feasting on grilled chicken and declining a high-calorie dessert, be sure to let your waiter know that you're interested in much more than his blue plate special.

©2004 Elizabeth Davis

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

At the precocious age of six, Elizabeth Davis penciled a death threat to her first grade teacher. Her subsequent suspension validated her belief in the power of the written word. Two weeks ago, a PMS rage prompted Davis to retire her "poison pen." Since then, this Bronx, New York native and resident has decided to delve into the world of parody.

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