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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Are You a Slut, or Maybe Just Confused?

It's so hard to tell these days, what with all the sluts running around, if you are one yourself or if you're honorable but confused. For example, you may have a very slutty girlfriend you've known since grade school. You are so identified with one another that your other friends call you the Slut

Sisters. But is that fair? Let's find out!

Are you a Pussycat Doll?

It's of the utmost importance to discover whether you are one of these, because Pussycat Dolls are the Sluts of the Universe and we can pretty much stop right here.

Is your name Holly, Bridget, or Kendra?

That's a good start, but it's not enough! Take a moment to look around you, and answer the following questions.

If you've answered "yes" to at least three of these questions, you are very likely one of Hef's little girlfriends. But we will never ever call you a slut, because Mr. Hefner is a very rich and powerful man. We bet the food at the mansion is to die for. Let's just say you are very, very confused.

Do you keep returning to your plastic surgeon for bigger and bigger breast implants?

Although we could just chalk up this behavior to a case of the slutties, there are mitigating factors to be considered. One is that your breast fixation may simply be a primal connection to our ancient human ancestors. These practical cousins of ours routinely traded in the biggest breasted village women for crucial comestibles such as goats, rice, and dried meats. It is no accident that Penthouse is often displayed right next to the beef jerky.

We will therefore generously come down on the side of confusion to explain your numerous plastic surgeries. One suggestion: the next time you get the urge to add another D to your cup size, stop in at the grocery first to see if your current size can score you some free comestibles!

Were you that slinky little number stuck like gum to Charlie Sheen on the red carpet last week?

His ex-wife happens to be a close personal friend of ours, and we therefore are not, editorially speaking, amused. You can stop wondering if you're a slut right about here.

Have you sold stupid things like car washes or raffle tickets in skimpy clothes for Donald Trump?

Honestly, are you one of those female contestants on any season of "The Apprentice," wherein you told the viewing audience that damn if you're not going to use your female "assets" or "wiles" to win the task and thus get a teensy bit closer to being The Donald's apprentice, i.e. slave? What a total slut you are.

And now please answer true or false to these 10 highly sophisticated psychological inventory questions, ingeniously designed to determine just where you fall on the Sluttiness Scale:

1. I just melt when I look at any hunky man who doesn't belong to me, but belongs to a woman who doesn't deserve my slutty meddling.

2. I want all good-looking men out there to wonder what I'm wearing underneath, if I'm wearing anything at all!

3. Everyone knows what I'm thinking when I get that slutty look on my face.

4. Since I've never really grown up, I guess you could say I'm as immature as a highschool girl, so you should probably not ask me out.

5. But if you did ask me out, I just wouldn't be able to say no, since I don't know the meaning of the word.

6. I have no problem rolling up my t-shirt and getting to work!

7. Sluts are just like people, but sexier.

8. If I could, I would tear off all my clothes right now while thinking slutty thoughts.

9. That was me stuck like gum to Charlie Sheen.

10. My name is either Holly, Bridget, or Kendra.

If you answered "true" to any of the items in this questionnaire, except for #10, you are not confused.

© 2007 Kate Heidel


Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.


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