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By Elizabeth Hanes
You've suffered through nine months of vomiting, binge eating
and crying jags. Now, with your belly as
big as a barn, you just want to get this pregnancy over with.
At last, you feel a cramp and rush to the hospital only to
find out you've been fooled by "false labour." So
how can you tell when those abdominal pains are the real deal?
First, disregard all that scientific mumbo-jumbo about "dilation" and "mucous quality." That hocus-pocus is a source of much misinformation in the world of feminine medical care. The fact is, certain events can accurately predict the onset of true labour. Take our quiz and tally your score to see how close you are to making that "special delivery."
1. Is your husband away on a "quick" business
___ Yes (8 points)
___ No (-1 point)
2. Did you decide to take a relaxing drive in the country
and now find yourself stranded on the side of the road with
a flat tire?
___ Yes ( 9 points. Add 1 point if your cell phone battery is dead.)
___ No (-6 points)
3. Did you just buy $400 worth of new maternity clothes because
the doctor assured you on your last visit that your labour
was still "quite a ways off"?
___ Yes (12 points)
___ No (-16 and add 7 points)
4. Is your house full of 20 rambunctious Girl Scouts because
it's your day to host the troop?
___ Yes ( 3 Add 1 point for each parent you're unable to reach by telephone.)
___ No (- 6 points)
5. Are you camping at a remote site, outside your cell phone
___ Yes (2 points)
___ No (+ 1 point)
6. Did your toddler accidentally fall and knock her tooth
out just as your young son walked through the door announcing
he thinks he his arm is broken?
___ Yes (11 points )
___ No ( - 5 points)
7. Is there a thunderstorm raging?
___ Yes ( 13 points. Add 1 point if you're also under a Tornado Watch. Add 3 points if a tornado has just touched down on the edge of town or near the hospital.)
___ No ( -1 point)
8. Are you in a Boeing 747, cruising at 30,000 feet?
___ Yes ( 7 points)
___ No (- 23 points)
9. Did you rent a $3,000 designer gown to wear to an awards
ceremony because your water has "never broken on its
___ Yes (2 points)
___ No (- 9 points)
10. Are you on holiday, in a foreign country, at a large
amusement park, relying on a phrasebook because you don't
exactly speak the language?
___ Yes (19 points. Add 3 points if you've just boarded "the world's longest rollercoaster.")
___ No (-17 points)
8-15+ - You're so in labour you should form a union.
- You're probably in labour and also have a past history of
delivering a child in the back seat of a taxi.
1-3 - If you take the quiz again in 2 hours and your score improves, start boiling water and tearing sheets into strips.