PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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QUIZ: Are You in Labour?

By Elizabeth Hanes

 

You've suffered through nine months of vomiting, binge eating and crying jags. Now, with your belly as big as a barn, you just want to get this pregnancy over with. At last, you feel a cramp and rush to the hospital only to find out you've been fooled by "false labour." So how can you tell when those abdominal pains are the real deal?

First, disregard all that scientific mumbo-jumbo about "dilation" and "mucous quality." That hocus-pocus is a source of much misinformation in the world of feminine medical care. The fact is, certain events can accurately predict the onset of true labour. Take our quiz and tally your score to see how close you are to making that "special delivery."

 

1. Is your husband away on a "quick" business trip?

___ Yes (8 points)

___ No (-1 point)

2. Did you decide to take a relaxing drive in the country and now find yourself stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire?

___ Yes ( 9 points. Add 1 point if your cell phone battery is dead.)

___ No (-6 points)

3. Did you just buy $400 worth of new maternity clothes because the doctor assured you on your last visit that your labour was still "quite a ways off"?

___ Yes (12 points)

___ No (-16 and add 7 points)

4. Is your house full of 20 rambunctious Girl Scouts because it's your day to host the troop?

___ Yes ( 3 Add 1 point for each parent you're unable to reach by telephone.)

___ No (- 6 points)

5. Are you camping at a remote site, outside your cell phone calling area?

___ Yes (2 points)

___ No (+ 1 point)

6. Did your toddler accidentally fall and knock her tooth out just as your young son walked through the door announcing he thinks he his arm is broken?

___ Yes (11 points )

___ No ( - 5 points)

7. Is there a thunderstorm raging?

___ Yes ( 13 points. Add 1 point if you're also under a Tornado Watch. Add 3 points if a tornado has just touched down on the edge of town or near the hospital.)

___ No ( -1 point)

8. Are you in a Boeing 747, cruising at 30,000 feet?

___ Yes ( 7 points)

___ No (- 23 points)

9. Did you rent a $3,000 designer gown to wear to an awards ceremony because your water has "never broken on its own before"?

___ Yes (2 points)

___ No (- 9 points)

10. Are you on holiday, in a foreign country, at a large amusement park, relying on a phrasebook because you don't exactly speak the language?

___ Yes (19 points. Add 3 points if you've just boarded "the world's longest rollercoaster.")

___ No (-17 points)

SCORING:

8-15+ - You're so in labour you should form a union.

4-7 - You're probably in labour and also have a past history of delivering a child in the back seat of a taxi.

1-3 - If you take the quiz again in 2 hours and your score improves, start boiling water and tearing sheets into strips.

©2002 Elizabeth Hanes