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By Kate Heidel
Your TV is replete with ads for one facial beauty product after another. Some are sold exclusively on television or online, but all have one thing in common: they're much too expensive! Our bevy of beauty experts has developed three at-home "recipes" for facial care that can beat anything on the market.
Almost every ingredient you require is already in your kitchen, pantry, or bathroom. And those items that require a quick trip to the hardware store will afford you the opportunity to strike up a conversation with hunky Mister Hardware. We call that a bonus! And, as always, all of our products come with the Happy Woman Seal of Approval, (legally binding in Tobago and the Isle of Wight on alternate Tuesdays between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. local time, except when it isn't).
Mix peanut butter, water, butter, and marshmallows in a small bowl. Apply to entire face. Using a circular motion, gently rub exfoliant into skin with your finger tips. Continue until just before mixture becomes too sticky for you to pull fingers off of face. If you pass crucial stage, request person to pull fingers off of face. Rinse fingers thoroughly. Taking knife, gently remove exfoliant. If desired, spread on graham cracker and enjoy! (Person will automatically leave if you perform optional graham-cracker step.)
Authentic Firming Masque
In bowl, premix plaster powder according to package directions. Immediately add plaster mixture to potting soil and spring water. Mix with wooden spoon.
Slip on gloves. Apply mixture to face and allow masque to set. Setting time varies according to atmospheric conditions. Wait 15-20 minutes after masque sets, or before nostrils shut completely.
Rinse face with warm water, removing excess potting soil from masque. Pat face dry with towel.
Using a well-lit mirror, carefully chip away plaster with chisel and hammer.
When all of the masque has been removed, rinse thoroughly with warm water and press towel soaked in bowl of calamine lotion to face for 1 hour. Don't look at face for 24 hours, even if husband comes home and yelps. Don't panic. Possibly need to look up "Plastic Surgeons" in Yellow Pages.
1. Practice first on several former neighbors, or on your mother-in-law several times.
2. Channel your inner Michelangelo!
For in-between masque treatments, substitute Plaster of Paris for Plaster. Chiseling not required.
Serrano Pepper Dermabrasion
Note: Our dermabrasion formula requires no special buffing appliance: the pepper does it all!
Puree ingredients in a food processor or blender until smooth. Slip on kitchen gloves. Apply serrano puree evenly over face, taking extra care to avoid eye area. A burning sensation will tell you the dermabrasion is working.
When is enough enough? When you feel you can't stand it one more minute, wait one more minute. (Some of our testers found it helpful during that crucial 60 seconds to scream at the top of their lungs while running madly through the house.)
Briskly rinse with generous amounts of cool water. Apply mayonnaise to lock in needed moisture and treat spots on skin that might have graduated peskily from 1st to 2nd-degree burns. Leave mayonnaise on face for 2 to 3 hours, or until throbbing has subsided.
This highly economical formulation is not recommended for more than a single use per average female lifespan. However, if you're still here in 50 years, we say throw caution to the wind and repeat!
© 2006 Kate Heidel
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, and her articles have appeared in "Rochester Magazine" and "Simply Minnesota."