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So now that you've stalked your Mr. Right
and persuaded him to fall madly in love with you, what's next? Why,
changing every last thing about him, of course. Who wants to live with
a Neanderthal who has the inconsideration to fart, burp, and excrete
bodily fluids in your presence? Follow these easy steps and turn the
man you fought so hard to land into the soulless, emotionless man-bot
of your dreams!
One basic rule to remember: no sex unless
he showers, loofahs, shaves, deodorizes, and plucks at least two-three
times a day. Make sure you have nothing in the bathroom except flowery,
girly smelling soap and shampoo, so other women will think he's gay.
Nag until he learns how to use a nail clipper and/or belt sander to
tame his gargoyle toenails, and do NOT let him touch you until he gets
a full manicure with clear polish. Breaking wind in your presence or
burping wetly and blowing the scent into your face are grounds for relationship
termination and/or murder.
How many times have you heard him whine,
"But that's a chick flick!"? Or how about, "But the guys
want to go to the game tonight!"? A well trained man will never
deny you the chance to see "Terms of Endearment: Special Edition"
on DVD or claim that he never gets to see his gross, disgusting friends
anymore. So how can you break him of his selfish need to do things that
he likes to do? Easy
go along with it. Once. Go see "Hot Bloody
Macho Fury 3: Dark Reckoning" with him at the movies, but decide
as soon as the opening credits roll that now's the perfect time to talk
about cramps, your relationship with your mother, or practically anything
at all. The most important thing to remember is that you do NOT shut
up, no matter what. When he loses his temper, start crying and reminding
him that you just wanted to make him happy. The guilt alone should guarantee
your choice of activities for your next outing. This works equally well
(if not even better) when you invite yourself to a "boys night
out." His friends will avoid him if they think you'll automatically
come along, and then you'll have him all to yourself, where he can enjoy
having you as the center of his universe.
If you can't eat junk food, then neither
should he, so whenever you see him eating Twinkies or chugging too many
Budweisers, a quick poke in the belly and accompanying 'oink' will help
him see the error of his ways. If that's not enough, start groaning
in pain whenever you have sex and he rolls on top of you and gasp that
you don't know if you can take his weight (and don't give in to his
suggestion that you switch positions; being on top is a woman's right,
not her second choice!). If all else fails, have your best girlfriends
openly make fun of your man whenever they see him. When he whines to
you about it, just shrug, look at him with pity, and say, "Well,
maybe if you cut back on the fill-in-the-blank women
might think you were cute again."
Everyone knows that women hold all the power when it comes to sex, so take advantage of it. Deny your boyfriend even the most innocent of kisses or touches whenever he does something boneheaded or inconsiderate. Withhold oral sex at all times-this makes the rare occasions when you do deign to perform it an even more powerful reward-but do not let him get away with not servicing YOU. It's your right as a woman. And whatever you do, do NOT fake orgasms. If you don't have one, then let him know how he's failed you and be sure to let him sense your deep and abiding disappointment in your choice of him as a lover with deep sighs and barely masked sarcasm. He'll be guaranteed to try to do better next time.
No man is perfect, so it's up to women
to mold them into the paragons of desire that will be envied by all
your girlfriends. Just remember
if he won't bend to your will,
it's your right-if not your duty to women everywhere-to make him a broken
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Rebecca Brock has recently had stories included in the horror anthologies "Moon Over Madness," "Book of More Flesh," and "Hell Hath No Fury." She is also a research assistant to drive-in movie reviewer Joe Bob Briggs and reviews true crime books at his site (www.joebobbriggs.com). To pay her bills and feed her cats, she works as a library director in southern West Virginia. Write to her at .email@example.com.