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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Are You Bitter?

Take our quiz!

"Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little inside." -Gore Vidal

Ever worry that you're just not unpleasant enough? Think you may have too many friends? Wonder if people call you "nice" behind your back? You can find answers to these questions by taking the following quiz. Should you fail, don't fret. The "Ten Easy Steps to Being Shrivelled Up and Embittered" which follows can set you on the right path.

1. You put aside at least one hour a day for

a) quiet contemplation

b) reading a classic novel

c) self-pity

2. A good way to put your own problems in perspective is to

a) help out the less fortunate -- for example, by volunteering at a homeless shelter

b) think about people in concentration camps

c) drink

3. Your idea of a 20th century hero is

a) Gandhi

b) General Eisenhower

c) Gore Vidal

4. You are attracted to a man who has a girlfriend. You

a) wish him the best and have faith that the right person for you will come along

b) let him know you're interested and that if he ever becomes available he should give you a call

c) buy a voodoo doll to represent the girlfriend and hack it to bits with an icepick

5. The war in the former Yugoslavia occurred because

a) centuries old ethnic conflicts, incomprehensible to the North American mind, erupted after the fall of communism

b) genocidal megolamaniac Slobodan Milosevic could no longer control his ruthless quest for power

c) all of the people in the former Yugoslavia got together and decided to make it even more painful and depressing than usual for you to watch the nightly news

6. Life without__is meaningless

a) love

b) work

c) hatred

7. You friends and family feel you have a problem

a) saying "no" to people

b) in expecting too much from yourself

c) with prescription drugs

8. An ex-boyfriend who hurt you very badly calls and wants to see you for dinner. You

a) happily say yes. It's been a while, it'll be nice to see him and it's always better to forgive

b) hesitate, but then say yes. After all, you'd like to know how he's doing and you know you made your share of mistakes in the relationship as well

c) make him explain and apologize for his past behavior. Ask him why in God's great name you ought to waste your damn time eating with him, lie to him about how well your life is going, call him names, ask him if he can still only maintain an erection for seven minutes and then tell him you'll dine with him only on the conditions that you pick the restaurant and he pays

9. When feeling badly about your looks, you

a) remind yourself that what truly matters is your soul

b) make a list of ten things your friends appreciate about you

c) put others down

10. You believe in

a) God

b) things that can be scientifically proven

c) getting even

If you answered mostly "c"s, you're all set. Acidulous, crabby, unhappy, ungrateful and suspicious, you probably leave a more bitter aftertaste than endives soaked in lemon juice. "Sour" is putting it nicely. Filled with contempt and outrage, you need no help on your quest to be as shrivelled up as a prune. You're there, girl!

If you answered mostly "a"s or "b"s...what the hell is wrong with you? Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ or something? Well get rid of Him already, and read on before everyone you come into contact with lapses into a diabetic coma. With the following easy steps, you can achieve the state of total bitterness which is every woman's birthright.

The "Ten Easy Steps to Being Shrivelled Up and Embittered"

Rondi Adamson is a freelance writer living in Toronto. She believes writing is the highest of callings and only worthwhile when it can ennoble mankind. Accordingly therefore, she will only write for "anyone who pays me."Look for her feature "Why Small Children should be Armed" in an upcoming issue of "Guns N' Ammo Weekly."

Rondi's turn-ons are world peace, rainbows and getting cheques in the mail. Her turn-offs are ethnic cleansing, anthrax scares and celebrities who pretend they are really very shy. Her hobbies are going on dates, making wine, working out and worrying.

Rondi would love to hear from you! Send your comments to queenvalemon@aol.com

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DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved