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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Bagging Your Blue-Collar Beau

By Rebecca Ash

You've chased CEO's, snogged stockbrokers, and enticed executives. You've agreed to blind dates with your mother's friend's attorneys, logged on to computer matchmaking services, and trolled many a Thursday night Happy Hour until everybody knew your name (and cocktail limit). And all you've gotten from it was a hangover, a stalker, and a nasty cold sore. Just when you think you've exploited all your resources and resigned yourself to sleeping with a cat instead of sleeping with a cad, a tall, dark, and handsome man croons, "Would you like to hear today's specials?"

You've been so busy hunting head honchos and Wall Street wannabes that you've completely overlooked a treasure trove of potential mates: blue-collar boys. Gone are the paper-hat sporting geeks and greasy goons of yesteryear. The service worker of the new millennium is ambitious, attentive, well rounded, and hot hot hot! With the job market being so competitive and more and more individuals not willing to slave away behind a desk, the service industry is rife with modern day Renaissance men. As this is undoubtedly uncharted territory for you, here is a guide to seducing your service worker.

Be a "regular" without being regular. Frequent your love-interest's place of employment often enough for him to get to know you but not often enough for it to appear that you have no life. Try to stand out. If he is in the food service industry, have an unusual order without becoming a nuisance (waiters hate extravagantly special orders. You'll appear high maintenance and picky.). Avoid times of heavy traffic, when you'll be lost in a sea of customers. Keep the banter light and flirty. Tip well if tips are accepted (note: it is not acceptable to tip retail clerks, mechanics, cable repairmen, or police officers.)

Dress down. This does not mean to completely forego looking superb; just tone it down a notch. Save the Prada for a special occasion. If you appear to be label-conscious or too trendy it may be off-putting for someone in the hospitality industry. You want to be approachable and down-to-earth. Go for the "girl next-door" type. Think Isaac Mizrahi for Target rather than Isaac Mizrahi for Fashion Week.

Prepare to go Dutch. While on a date with a blue-collar boy, always be prepared to split the bill. Have it handy and offer to pay your share even on the off chance that he may not accept. He will be impressed with your generosity and not view you as a gold digger, thereby earning his respect and trust. Plus he will not expect you to repay him in sexual favors (unless you want to). Keep the bills lower than a fifty, and leave your black American Express at home.

Know your sports. White-collar men are often too busy to keep up with that genetically programmed interest called sports. But a blue-collar gent relishes a good game and generally knows the score. Find out what sport he enjoys the most (it's usually embroidered on his hat) and bone up on the players and game info.

So what kind of blue-collar boy should you pursue? There are so many! The possibilities include:

  1. Waiters: Generally actors waiting on you while they wait for their big break, these men are notably attractive. Definitely the most metrosexual of the bunch, they are skilled at displaying emotion (not many men can cry on cue) and are always careful about their appearance. They won't whine when you go to see a play (unless he was up for the part and didn't get it), enjoy shopping, easily charm parents, and can clear your dinner table in one fell swoop. Drawback: they can be shallow, melodramatic, and often will cheat on you with their cast mates. It's not always fun to date someone who takes longer to get ready than you do and you may need to constantly monitor their apron pockets for numbers of other customers.
  2. Bartenders: Not as high maintenance as a waiter, but equally as sociable and charming. They are often full of interesting trivia and little-known facts (which makes for great Trivial Pursuit games), are good listeners, mix a mean Margarita, and know all the best clubs and bars. Flipping bottles makes for fast hands, which is always a plus. Beware: bartenders often appear to care more about people's problems than they actually do so while he may seem concerned it could be a façade. You may need to constantly monitor his pockets for numbers of other customers.
  3. Cable Guys: Three words: sweet hook-up. They make house calls, you'll never have to worry about poor reception again, and can work a TiVo like nobody's business. Tool belts are so sexy! Downside: ever see The Cable Guy?
  4. Plumbers: No more icky clogs or flooding, these men really know how to lay the pipe. Drawbacks: plumbers butt. Plus, they deal with crap all day so they're less likely to put up with yours.
  5. Firemen: Firemen are hot. Everyone knows this. Maybe it's the hero appeal or perhaps it's the thrill of a big hose. Regardless, these guys are all about saving the day. And they drive great vehicles! You don't have to worry about them becoming too clingy or invading your space since they have to spend nights at the firehouse. They know other hot firemen you can hook up with your girlfriends. Drawbacks: there are none. Firemen are hot.
  6. Mechanics: It's easier to find a trustworthy politician than a trustworthy mechanic, so if you get one hold on tight! Repairs won't cost you your first-born and your car's engine will be purring as much as your own. These fellows know how to work a chassis. There's something sexy about a guy with a tight t-shirt and motor oil on their cheek that can rev a fantasy right into reality. Downside: they stare at calendars of naked women all day in the shop, so unless you keep up at the gym they may lose interest.
  7. Fast Food Servers: You should not have any opportunity to meet these men because you shouldn't be ruining your diet with French fries. Plus, they're usually teenagers. Shame on you!
  8. Dog Walkers or Pet Sitters: Not only are they animal lovers, they're always in shape from all the walking they do. Meow!
  9. Retail Clerks: They have fantastic discounts, know all the current trends, and can color coordinate and fold your laundry blindfolded. They know their way around a department store and are great at helping you hunt the bargains. Talk about shopping buddy extraordinaire! Drawback: they're so used to exclaiming "That looks fabulous on you!" that they may not be honest about their opinion when you ask if your ass looks fat.
  10. Groundskeeper or Gardener: Have you seen Desperate Housewives? Gardeners are the new construction workers. They're always physically active, have great tans, and appreciate flowers (not just your grocery store bought single rose either). They often work without a shirt on, sweat beautifully, and can pound a Diet Coke like an Adonis. Total eye candy with a green thumb. Downside: If you live in a cooler climate you may only see them half the year. And they have dirty fingernails.

 

No matter which blue-collar beau catches your fancy, you're sure to have some good old-fashioned fun getting down and dirty. Put aside your inner princess…at least until you get the check. Yeehaw!

© 2006 Rebecca Ash

OTHER HW ARTICLES BY REBECCA ASH

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Rebecca Ash is a nomadic freelance writer and thespian. She lives with her husband and two mini dachshunds, Melody and Emma, in a domicile ruled by the iron paw of the fat feline Queen Bink. It is her dream to someday be able to support her shoe and bag fetish while still being able to pay the cable bill.