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Predictions based on your body type:
Our resident expert on everything under the sun has put together a no fail guide that will help you plan your future! You're welcome!
Adrenal (Type A)
March will find you desperately seeking your woolen hat unfortunately it will not reappear until August when you have no need for it. You will put it away only to forget it's location once again.
The odd smell in your fridge is a turnip remnant wedged behind your crisper and when a recipe calls for egg yolks it means egg yolks not Egg Beaters.
Adrenal's should avoid bathing while using appliances and narcotics.
You will fall in love with a gymnast named Boba in June but you will break up with him in August when he sobers up.
Best career bet for Adrenals: Fire Eater
Gonadal (Type G)
This year will bring big changes in your life. You will decide that a sofa-bed is the answer and that highlighting your hair is not.
A mysterious telephone call in April will have you mystified until you dial *69 and realize it was a wrong number.
You will find the love of your life in June but the relationship will become more complicated once he takes out a restraining order.
You will have a confrontation with your boss in August because of poor performance and you will respond by clapping your hands over years and singing "The Yellow Rose of Texas"
Gonadal types should avoid wearing aqua and operating heavy machinery while under the influence of alcohol.
Best career bet for Gonadal's: Balloon sculpter.
Please Note: This is a parody of a magazine, so don't come crying to us if someone accidentally took out your liver or you starved to death on our diet. The interviews are not real and the interviewers are not real.
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