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By Sharon Grehan-Howes
1. Does he often have to go away on business-- even though he's a mailman?
2. Does he says things like "I want a divorce?"
3. Has he replaced all of his boxers with thongs?
4. Does he limit sleeping with you to special occasions like the solar eclipse?
5. Do you find it odd that he's been spending thousands of dollars on flowers, jewellry and motels for his mother?
6. Does he keep an apartment 'in town' even though you live two blocks from the city center?
7. Do you find it odd that his office does not accept incoming calls?
8. When you have a minor argument does he say "are you asking me to leave?" in a hopeful manner?
9. Does he disappear for days explaining upon return that he got lost?
10. Have you ever found his wedding band in strange places like the garbage?
11. Do you find it peculiar that he doesn't know the number to his cell phone?
12. Do you ever find brassieres in the glove box?
13. Does he spend more time in the bathroom than your teenage daughter?
14. Does he whisper when he's talking on the phone? When quizzed does he tell you that he's involved in official government work and that if he told you anything he'd have to kill you?
If you answered yes to three or more questions, there is a good chance your spouse is cheating on you.
Your best course of action is to get a facial, a full body wax, lose 10 pounds and become a better person.
If these things don't work, try begging and pleading. Tell him you are nothing without him, he'll probably agree and stay with you.
If all else fails, hire a private investigator to track down his new amour. Find a way to get to know her and then become as much like her as possible and lose 20 pounds.