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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Choice: Is it Killing Us? A HW Special Report

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

North Americans are becoming fatter, lazier and dumber according to a study released today by the National Organization for Sensible Youth (NOSY)

The study reveals that freedom of choice is quite simply killing us. Not only is there an obesity epidemic but our minds are turning to jelly as the result of TV. It found that the average North American consumes over 245 gallons of soda per year, 615 burgers and 417 orders of fries and spent over 10 1/2 hours per day watching television. No wonder then, when quizzed, only 3% could locate the sun.

Lauren Quimby centre spokesperson and founder said "We must eliminate choice. It is the only way to protect our youth. Children are our future. It's too late to save the adults but it is our duty to protect the young."

Quimby a former hand model, launched NOSY in the fall of 2000 after noticing very few people thought as she did. Quimby well known in her community for getting a ban on skateboards, Bonzai plants and fuzzy slippers was encouraged by her book club to take her organizational talents one step further. She was inspired by the efforts of The Center for Science in the Public Interest who have been pushing for a a fat tax also known as the "Twinkie Tax" a ban on soda pop and perfume as well as a "No See TV" week."

"We have a three-stage plan. Once we build awareness and garner public support there will be no stopping us. Our first phase calls for a ban on high-heel shoes, sitcoms, violence in dreams and yellow and then we'll move on to phase two where the targets will be cell phones, power lines, microwaves, electric blankets and canned food."

Dr. Judy Dumphrey general complainer and wrecker of good times pooh-poohed the study. "This is garbage. There are so many holes in this I don't know where to begin. What qualifications does Ms. Quimby have?"

Quimby in response to Dumphrey said " I don't think you need to hold a degree and interview hundreds of people in order to be right. If Dr. Dumphrey doesn't care about the children we do. Besides the CSPI has a ton of people who are doctors and stuff and they're saying basically the same thing I am but with more words."

While Quimby is behind the CSPI and other organizations she feels that they are a trifle soft. Instead of imposing a "Fat Tax" or "Twinkie Tax" Quimby suggests going one step further and making fast food illegal. "That's in our third phase. The 'If you can't have it you won't be tempted' phase.

"Look at it this way, you can't walk into a drug store and say 'Gee, what would make me feel better, an aspirin or some heroin?' You don't do that because heroin isn't available in the drugstore. If it were, then although we haven't actually done a study, 97% of people would choose heroin." I think the figures speak for themselves.

Quimby called a television press conference on Thursday to announce that a TV ban would be part of the third phase of NOSY's plan.

"Dr. Nestle and Dr. Jacobson, who are my personal heroes next to Mother Teresa and Lyndon B.Johnson, stated in the Public Health Reports: "Television is an increasingly well-established risk factor for obesity and its health consequences... The Surgeon General could announce a campaign to reduce television watching."

"That's an example of good thinking." says Quimby "but once again it is rather soft. Reducing TV time won't do anything, but banning TV will. We'd also like to crack down on the Internet. I don't have a computer myself but I know for a fact that the Internet is nothing but a bucket of smut.

"The CPSI is doing great things but I firmly believe NOSY can do better."

Dumphrey said "Sorry I can't answer anymore questions. I have an image of kids buying black market Happy Meals."

If you would like to donate funds to NOSY or contact Lauren Quimby you can send cash or money order to NOSY headquarters 9978 Ventura Ave Unit 778 c/o Kim's Nail Salon and Happy Beauty Facials, Beverly Hills 90210

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved