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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Cool Compilations! Mindless Musical Mixes Reviewed For You

By Annie McLaughlin

Fancy boosting your CD collection but have no discernible musical taste nor the will to develop one? Or maybe you want to buy a little something for that special someone in your life, the one you've shared your deepest secrets with on those long nights where you just talk and talk and talk… How about a gift that says "Here - I have no idea what you're all about and couldn't give a monkey's arse, but this should cover all possible aspects of your character."

You, my dear, need a compilation album.

To save you the trouble of even having to visit a music shop or website, which, quite frankly, would just confuse you anyway with their bewildering array of genres and 'artistes', we've rounded up some of the best compilations clogging up the CD charts at the moment.

For you:

How about something to motivate you when you know you just have to tackle that huge pile of ironing (those three pillowcases won't decrease themselves you know!)/ unwashed cup / strand of hair in the plughole ruining the look of your otherwise pristine abode? Or a musical mix to set the mood for that girls night in - you know, the ones where we all sit around in fluffy pyjamas, drunk on half a glass of Chardonnay giggling about sex toys and stuff.

Buy - "The Best Ever Album To Do Stuff That Girls Love To Do Along To - Ever!" (Volume 2)

Such upbeat classics as "I Don't Need a Man - Not Me", "I Will Survive (on Atkins)" and "I Love All My Girlfriends (But Not Like That) nestle alongside the latest hits from all the hottest, sexiest new girl bands, including "Private Dances Cost Extra You Know", "It's Not Stripping, It's Art" and "You Go Girl - But I'll Be Trying to Hump Your Boyfriend's Leg by the Time You Get Back."

For him:

He's a man, so he'll be into music with, like, guitars and verses with different words in them than the chorus and stuff. Which you, not being a man, presumably find tedious and pointless and depressing.

Buy - " "Manly Music For Proper Men Written By Men Who Aren't Attracted To Other Men"

Highlights include some rocking numbers that will have him strumming his 'air guitar' like there's no tomorrow. For example, "I Had Sex in an Elevator With Three Porn Stars Last Night, For Real, Yeah, Cool!", "I Aint Working For the Man No More Man, 'Cos that Sucks Ass, Man" and "Are You Looking at My Woman? Why The F*** Not? What's Wrong With My Woman? Eh?"

It's not all ceiling shaking crazy rock moments though! His tender side will be well catered for with such maudlin melodies as "It's Not Stalking if She Hasn't Spotted You Yet", "If You Leave Me, I'll Kill Myself, The Dog and Your Mother" and "Just Go Then, You Bitch, I Never Loved You Anyway and I'm Going To Tell Everyone You're a Ho (Miss You Already)"

These titles are not available to buy in the shops. Purchase via mail order by sending us a cheque to the value of your soul.

©2006 Annie McLaughlin


Having turned her back on her good Catholic upbringing, Annie McLaughlin is currently 'living in sin' with her boyfriend in Glasgow, Scotland. She scratches out a living as an admin assistant during the day, dulling the pain with beer and books in her spare time.

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