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By Annie McLaughlin
your CD collection but have no discernible musical taste nor the
develop one? Or maybe you want to buy a little something for that
special someone in your life, the one you've shared your deepest
secrets with on those long nights where you just talk and talk and
How about a gift that says "Here - I have no idea
what you're all about and couldn't give a monkey's arse, but this
should cover all possible aspects of your character."
You, my dear,
need a compilation album.
To save you
the trouble of even having to visit a music shop or website, which,
quite frankly, would just confuse you anyway with their bewildering
array of genres and 'artistes', we've rounded up some of the best
compilations clogging up the CD charts at the moment.
How about something
to motivate you when you know you just have to tackle that huge
pile of ironing (those three pillowcases won't decrease themselves
you know!)/ unwashed cup / strand of hair in the plughole ruining
the look of your otherwise pristine abode? Or a musical mix to set
the mood for that girls night in - you know, the ones where we all
sit around in fluffy pyjamas, drunk on half a glass of Chardonnay
giggling about sex toys and stuff.
Buy - "The
Best Ever Album To Do Stuff That Girls Love To Do Along To - Ever!"
classics as "I Don't Need a Man - Not Me", "I Will
Survive (on Atkins)" and "I Love All My Girlfriends (But
Not Like That) nestle alongside the latest hits from all the hottest,
sexiest new girl bands, including "Private Dances Cost Extra
You Know", "It's Not Stripping, It's Art" and "You
Go Girl - But I'll Be Trying to Hump Your Boyfriend's Leg by the
Time You Get Back."
He's a man,
so he'll be into music with, like, guitars and verses with different
words in them than the chorus and stuff. Which you, not being a
man, presumably find tedious and pointless and depressing.
Buy - "
"Manly Music For Proper Men Written By Men Who Aren't Attracted
To Other Men"
include some rocking numbers that will have him strumming his 'air
guitar' like there's no tomorrow. For example, "I Had Sex in
an Elevator With Three Porn Stars Last Night, For Real, Yeah, Cool!",
"I Aint Working For the Man No More Man, 'Cos that Sucks Ass,
Man" and "Are You Looking at My Woman? Why The F*** Not?
What's Wrong With My Woman? Eh?"
It's not all
ceiling shaking crazy rock moments though! His tender side will
be well catered for with such maudlin melodies as "It's Not
Stalking if She Hasn't Spotted You Yet", "If You Leave
Me, I'll Kill Myself, The Dog and Your Mother" and "Just
Go Then, You Bitch, I Never Loved You Anyway and I'm Going To Tell
Everyone You're a Ho (Miss You Already)"
These titles are not available to buy in the shops. Purchase via mail order by sending us a cheque to the value of your soul.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR :
her back on her good Catholic upbringing, Annie McLaughlin is currently
'living in sin' with her boyfriend in Glasgow, Scotland. She scratches
out a living as an admin assistant during the day, dulling the pain
with beer and books in her spare time.