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By Kate Heidel
We can already guess what some of you are thinking: "But, I can't dance a step!" "I've always had two left feet!"
Well, think again! We've teamed up with one of the best choreographers in the business. Yes, Paula
Abdul's talented second
cousin once removed, Ms. Denise, has worked up three fabulous interpretive
dance routines that even the least rhythmic among us can master in only
a few practice sessions. We guarantee that your mate will thrill to
your elegant stylings. He'll wonder why he hasn't begged you to dance
for him sooner! Allow us to introduce Ms. Denise!
Ladies, hello!! Let's get right to work, shall we?
You'll need to invest
in the dancer's basics listed here, but rest assured that your investment
will return BIG dividends in your man's admiring gazes and, YES, ardor!
You will also need appropriate musical accompaniment. Please have on hand any or all of the following:
Blooming Flower of Spring
I always like to start off my novice dancers with something cheerful, fun, and easy! What woman doesn't love flowers? Well, today, you ARE a flower, a blooming flower of Spring!
With your man stationed in his comfiest chair, turn on your music of choice and sit on the floor in front of him. You will be wearing your all-white dancer's costume, your extra tutu for color, and your lovely headdress.
Lay flower petals in a circle around you. Now place your hands together like you are saying a prayer, and hold them about six inches in front of you.
Gently blow on your hands for a few seconds and then look VERY surprised and delighted as your hands slowly pull apart from each other. Look even MORE surprised and delighted as your fingers flutter back and forth. YES! Your petals are opening!! Now smile joyfully as you come to a standing position. GASP with joy as you discover the flower petals all around you! Dance in place, throwing your arms out and tossing your head back! JUMP right into your man's lap and kiss him and shout, "I am a FLOWER, and I have BLOOMED!" Indeed you ARE, and indeed you HAVE!!
Desire, Be Unleashed!
For this edgy interpretive dance, you will need your man to participate, not as a dance partner, but as an indispensable set piece!
You must clear the room of ottomans, coffee tables, and any other decorative floor accessories. We don't want anything to obstruct the full unleashing of your formidable desire!
Place that man of yours in the center of the room. Ask him to stand stock still, with his hands at his sides. If he dizzies easily, he may close his eyes, but if he can stand the whirlwind that is You, encourage him to keep those peepers wide open! Finally, place the large pink fabric square around the shoulders of your stationary love object.
With the music you have chosen, slowly circle your man, like a dangerous wild cat, while wriggling only your fingers and staring fearlessly into his eyes. When the moment feels right, move a little away from your man while continuing to circle.
Suddenly, like a cat striking, FLING out your arms and wriggle your fingers close to his head. That's FLING and wriggle! FLING and wriggle!!
If you can manage the simultaneous circling-staring-flinging-wriggling, pick up speed and unpredictably shout, "DESIRE! I say, DESIRE!!" Repeat unpredictably!
Now slow down a bit so that you can gracefully and swiftly PULL the square of fabric over your man's head, completely covering him in the cloak of your as-yet-unleashed desire. Then, because he can't see you, RUN over to the stereo and turn up the music.
Now back up to one
corner of the room, get a running start, and TACKLE your unsuspecting
love object to the ground, PULL off the cloak of desire, and SMOTHER
him with kisses!! AREN'T you the wild one, whose desire is now fully
I Am Woman, You Hear?
Your final performance will be SO very primal and authentic! For this dance you are going to be the very Birth of Powerful Womanhood -- oh, YES!
You must don your
black leo's, tights, and flats, your color tutu, AND your ostrich headdress.
Do not forget your large chiffon squares -- we are going ALL the way,
Ask your man to stand several feet away from you. Start the music, and place yourself in the center of the room in just the position your man did for your fabulous unleashing dance. In each hand, hold one of the brightly colored chiffons.
WRIGGLE your body as if you're trying to extract yourself from a sausage casing. If you're a vegetarian and that image disgusts you, think childbirth, or stale pesto out of a tube!
Now SWING your arms in the air, creating circles, more circles, with your bright flags of womanhood flowing and waving!!
Catch sight of your
man as if you have just discovered him. DASH over to him with great
urgency, running your chiffons over his body. Make like you are going
to KNEE him in the groin, and then think better of it. As he instinctively
recoils, involuntarily joining you in the dance, toss your head back
and LAUGH with joyful abandon! I am WOMAN, you hear? You move at my
Ladies, that is all
for the moment! I am honored to have been given this opportunity to
make DANCERS out of each and every ONE of you!!
Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL
© 2007 Kate Heidel