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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Dos and Don'ts for Dating a Magician

by Christina Delia

Ah, men. You might say that all men are magicians. Masters in the art of illusion, but capable of pulling bouquets of roses out of thin air when necessary.

If an enchanter is what you're after, follow these simple dos and don'ts, so that romance doesn't become a part of his disappearing act.

DO appreciate the little things

Nothing says fun like a rabbit in your hat...even if it means a few droppings in said French designer chapeau. A sophisticated female appreciates her wacky wizard for all of his worth.

DON'T get put off by his wardrobe

Look at it as if he will always be ready for an impromptu costume party. There are many women who view a man in a cape and top hat as a mysterious, sexy sight to behold...or did you not see Phantom of the Opera?

DO perform tricks in bed

The lucky girl who bags a magician gets to have a trained performer on her hands. The best thing to do in a romantic situation is to loosen up by letting him tie you up, or if he's in the right mood, saw you in half. You should be blindfolded so as to truly enjoy all of the SENSATIONS that such an experience offers. If he insists that you, "pick a card, any card", consider it as extended foreplay.

DON'T belabor the point

When choosing "Our Song", refrain from picking tunes that have "magic" in the title. This Magic Moment ,The Magic Touch, and He's a Magic Man may seem ideal at the start of the affair, but will quickly lose their appeal. Many women eventually find themselves asking where the magic went, but keep their precious love songs intact. That is why there has never been a song called Son of a Sewage-Maintenance Man.

DO play the part of a lovely assistant

Any magician's foreign-born supermodel girlfriend will tell you, it's tough watching your man ravish a skimpily clad helper with his eighteen-inch swords.

Engaging in that sort of activity night after night may seem questionable, and could certainly take its toll on your relationship. The magic word here is trust. True, the bimbo in the box is very attractive, in a passing-craze, "now you see her, now you don't" sort of way. Just remember that you're the only one he'd ever truly take a stab at where it counts.

DON'T interfere with his career goals

Maybe your guy's main aspiration is to be packed in a shipping crate for weeks on end, with his only rations being water and postage stamp glue. Listen Missy, just who are you to stand in his way of progress? Your sweetie has most likely been planning for this since the day he received his first magic kit and accidentally singed the hair from his Aunt Leslie's arms. As a direct result of the incident, Aunt Leslie stopped making electrolysis appointments, and your fella's career also took off.

Many women claim that their men swept them off of their feet, but how many can say that afterwards they found themselves shoeless, on a remote country road in Poughkeepsie?

Remember: The perfect anecdote to a humdrum life is letting a man with a wand turn you into a wife.

©2004 Christina Delia



Christina Delia is a freelance writer of humorous essays, screenplays, and poetry. She likes her problems rare and her men well done. Contact Christina Delia ( replace x with @ before sending.)

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