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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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How to Prevent Your Double Date from Becoming a Double Cross!

Millions of couples just love to double date. For many of them it means keeping in touch with their closest friends, sharing the experience of a leisure outing, and pretending to have forgotten their checkbooks when the bill comes.

But what if the female of the couple you date with starts to display more than just a friendly interest in your man? She laughs and laughs at even his worst jokes, and brushes up against him a little too often. His bald spot is "just darling!" and his mismatched socks are "a mark of genius!"

To be sure, these are signs of trouble in your double-dating paradise, a potential disaster that you need to nip in the bud. We confidently recommend all of the following interventions, and wish you the best of luck in derailing the double date double cross!

Redirecting Lust

Your double-date girlfriend is your friend for a reason. She didn't start out this slutty, so perhaps she's just lost her way. She may simply require a gentle push in the direction of her own mate's attractive qualities to shake her out of her misguided flirtations.

On your next double date, tastefully compliment your friend's man. Such pleasant, non-threatening attentions will allow your friend see her mate in a new light. Here are just a few examples -- try your own variations!

"Larry, you're looking so dapper tonight in that tweed jacket!"

"Why, Mark, those new eyeglasses make you look like a young Michael Caine!"

"Bill, I've never noticed how shiny your hair is -- oops, I just couldn't resist running my hands through it, could I!"

"My, Joe, how slim yet ripped you look in that tight blue shirt, which I must say really enhances the color of your bedroom eyes."

"Is it getting a little warm in here, Ed, or are you just too hot for one woman?"

And so on.

The Shocking Bracelet

If the appreciation of your girlfriend's mate doesn't quite do the trick, you may need to try a slightly more clinical approach.

On your next double date, surprise your friend with a lovely bracelet, which, unbeknownst to her, you have purchased from the Behavioral Adjustment Jewelry Emporium (39 locations throughout the United States and Canada).

She will naturally don the bracelet for the evening to show her appreciation. And you, with the wireless shocker hidden in your hand, will run a nice little electric current through it every time your friend gets a little too chummy with your man.

Bracelets at the Emporium can be yours for as little as $29.95, and are guaranteed to adjust unwanted behavior, or your money back!

Your Man Gets Ugly

No, we don't want your sweetie to morph into a brute! Aside from a few harmless electric shocks, we would never endorse violence!

What we DO endorse, should the previous methods fall a little short of the mark, is to make your man so unappealing that no woman in her right mind would consider going after him. It's just a temporary measure, and only one dose of a man gone ugly is highly effective!

Your mate must begin preparations three days in advance of your next double date. For those three days he is not to bathe, shave, or brush his teeth. If you have a guest room, you may want him to kennel there for the duration, and have the room fumigated later. For added effect, stuff the clothes he'll be wearing on your double date into a small cupboard so that they wrinkle nicely.

Then rendezvous at your usual restaurant, and act none the wiser! While your dating couple is distracted in slack-jawed horror at the sight of your scruffy little stinker, you'll be slipping a fifty to the host and discreetly explaining your situation.

Smile graciously as the staff sets up a card table for the four of you in the back of the kitchen near the dumpster. Remember: your charm and bribery ensure prime seating when you return to this favorite eatery in future with your hosed-down honey!


Oh, and if your friend happens to be wearing that bracelet you gave her, why not send her a fun little sizzle every now and then throughout dinner? Her memories of the evening will burn for a lifetime!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.

© 2006 Kate Heidel

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