PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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The Extreme Relationship Guide

By Emma Rowley

A new report shows that your current relationship has a 100% chance of breaking down from divorce or separation* (*including death). Reeling from this shocking statistic, women are turning to ever more extreme ways to save their marriages and partnerships.

Meet Kerry Simper, author of the ultimate relationship guide: Welcome Me: At My Happiest Under His Feet. She believes that the problem with books like The Rules is that they don't go far enough and claims that "a good marriage can only be achieved through what we term the 'slave/owner partnership'." Following are some extracts from her controversial tome.

The Golden Age of Marriage

I'm sure we all look back with nostalgia at the days when men could be men and women were shoehorned into the less fulfilling gender role. What husband wouldn't love a cheery, pretty 1950s-style housewife? But why stop there? Wouldn't being a Victorian wife - with no vote to distract her and whose property and chattels automatically belong to her husband - ensure non-stop cuddles and wedded bliss? Come on, girls: dust down those history books. Perhaps you could model your existence on a Medieval peasant girl. With few rights over your own life or body, you'll be unlikely to risk getting on the wrong side of Mr. Grumpy in the mornings!

Mrs. X, one of Simper's successful marriage case studies says: I did try the 1950s housewife thing but my husband and I were still arguing. In the end, I took my inspiration from further back in history and decided to try and live as a protozoa. Now that I see myself, essentially, as a desireless, drifting, single celled organism, we really don't fight that much any more.

Save the Man!

Grrrr! Your husband is a endangered species, much like the Arctic Camel. (Or something. I'm not an animal expert!) (But I still think the analogy holds!)

Laboratory testing has proved beyond doubt that the average man is less confident, less happy and less productive than before women started demanding equality. Let's look at the facts: men used to wake up every morning knowing that they were smarter and more worthwhile than 50% of the population, and that the law and society supported them in that view. Not any more. Now they wake up in a world that often asks them to accept that they are the same as us. That makes them - our beloved sons and brothers, our husbands and friends - a shocking 50% worse off! They are literally, without hyperbole, fading away right in front of our eyes. So, what can we do? The simple answer is: lie.

Mrs. Y, another of Simper's successful marriage case studies says: It really works! I began waking up at 4am, going to collect the day's newspapers and doing a quick cut and paste job. I'd just take out any reference to women's successes that I thought my husband might find threatening. There are some downsides to it though, like the fact I keep crashing the car through lack of sleep; and that he now believes Arnold Schwarzennegger won the best actress award at this year's Oscars for a girlish, sensitive portrayal of June Carter-Cash.

Get back indoors. I have a gun.

Now, I'm not one of those Republican wives who make a career out of telling other women that their place is in the home. Yes, I am a Republican. And yes, I do believe a woman's place is within the domestic sphere. Which is why I feel I have to get out there and talk about it. And do book tours. And some TV, of course.

But the important thing is that you don't. Stay indoors, women. That is the only chance you have of saving your lousy relationships. Oh, and don't get fat.

Mrs. Z, another of Simper's successful marriage case studies says: I was Director of Marketing at a major design house but things weren't going well at home. The long hours I was putting in at work really strained my marriage, and in the end, my husband and I decided I should give up work. We had to move to a smaller place, and he ended up working longer hours so I don't see him as often but, you know, I got really into baking and being alone all the time is really good for my ... oh my God! he left the window open! I can't believe it! I'm free! Haha! I am so outta here! So long!

© 2006 Emma Rowley

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OTHER HW ARTICLES BY EMMA ROWLEY

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Emma Rowley is a Londoner. Maybe that's why she loves London Town.