How
To Get Eyes Worth Eyeing
By
Christina Delia
 The
secret to keeper peepers
lies in one, glamorous word: makeup. Yes, lies.
The wisest of women have been lying about the important things for
years (namely age and hair color, although this writer once knew
a smart surgeon named Bertha who graduated at the top of her class
and now operates under the moniker Doctor Lola X. McBambi.) Remember
that men like sexy women, but they lie to them, anyway. In fact,
experts know that the way to any woman's heart is first lying to
her face while looking her in the eyes. Yet the
big questions remain: Why do men get to engage in all of this dandy
duplicity? Shouldn't more women take on the role of becoming big,
thin liars? Today's Independent Woman is in need of a coy con of
her own. It's time to fetch back the fib, to keep our eyes on the
lies! Ladies, start your eyelids!
To get your fix of eye-popping tricks, you're going to have to fork
over some serious lettuce. Fashionable femmes know that it takes
cents to make sense. Enter a collection of chic products on the
market this very spring, compiled with the very eyes of this very
writer. Because ladies, when it comes to men...the eye knows.
Norman Orman's Ultra Sheer Eyelid Glaze in
Liquid Colorless, $50
Orman's done it again, this time with makeup so sheer that the glazed
doughnuts at the office will look more tarted up than you do. Because
men can never tell when we're wearing makeup anyway, but other women
(like those wenches at the office) always have a way of finding
out.
Potbelly Pete's Pot O' Eye Gunk in Beer Barrel
Browns, $111.11
Though the price may seem a little steep, the bottom of the barrel
this isn't. Potbelly Pete (real name Peter Straylurk) is a godsend
when it comes to crafting colors that call out to the modern man.
From lagers to porters, the array of eye booze will leave you drunk
at first sight. Not recommended for pregnant women.
Leslie Ashley Whitney's Urgent Lust
for All Things Pretty, Colorful, and Pleasing to Leslie Ashley Whitney's
Eyes $85
Confused critics have been eyeing Leslie Ashley Whitney for several
months now, since this past fall's Frantic Fusion fashion show.
Little is known about the mysterious Leslie Ashley Whitney, except
that he is most likely not a woman, but merely a man with three
androgynous names. Yet this is more reason to trust Leslie Ashley
Whitney's brand of cosmetics, particularly his scintillating spring
line of eye candy ("Go! Find-Leslie-Ashley-Whitney Green"
and "Stop! I-See-Leslie-Ashley-Whitney Red" are must have
hues!) If the three names don't do it for you, then perhaps the
companion CD of spoken word poetry will. The standout track on this
album is clearly "Initials in Court", with the lyrics
of "I am Leslie Ashley Whitney! I am the LAW!"
Fashion police take note, as there is a new sheriff of style this
spring.
Whichever of these fine products you purchase this spring, just
remember to pile them on proudly. Sheer or bold, there is simply
no substitute for the superficial illusion of makeup. Plus, any
of these eye colors are delightful for taking away the focus on
the watery, red eyes brought on by those pesky springtime allergies.
Thus, until womankind has found a way to combat nature, we shall
resort to masking its side effects with only the classiest of cosmetics.
©
2005 Christina Delia
...................................................................
OTHER HW ARTICLES
BY CHRISTINA DELIA:
 Acrostic Action: How to Get Some this Valentine's
Day!
Dos and Don'ts for Dating a Magician
The Carve Craze
Thanksgiving Quiz: What's Your Wishbone Personality?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Christina Delia is a freelance writer of
humorous essays, screenplays, and poetry. She likes her problems
rare and her men well done. Contact Christina
Delia ( replace x with @ before sending.)
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