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EST. May 2000 (AD)




How To Get Eyes Worth Eyeing

By Christina Delia

The secret to keeper peepers lies in one, glamorous word: makeup. Yes, lies. The wisest of women have been lying about the important things for years (namely age and hair color, although this writer once knew a smart surgeon named Bertha who graduated at the top of her class and now operates under the moniker Doctor Lola X. McBambi.) Remember that men like sexy women, but they lie to them, anyway. In fact, experts know that the way to any woman's heart is first lying to her face while looking her in the eyes. Yet the big questions remain: Why do men get to engage in all of this dandy duplicity? Shouldn't more women take on the role of becoming big, thin liars? Today's Independent Woman is in need of a coy con of her own. It's time to fetch back the fib, to keep our eyes on the lies! Ladies, start your eyelids!

To get your fix of eye-popping tricks, you're going to have to fork over some serious lettuce. Fashionable femmes know that it takes cents to make sense. Enter a collection of chic products on the market this very spring, compiled with the very eyes of this very writer. Because ladies, when it comes to men...the eye knows.

Norman Orman's Ultra Sheer Eyelid Glaze in Liquid Colorless, $50

Orman's done it again, this time with makeup so sheer that the glazed doughnuts at the office will look more tarted up than you do. Because men can never tell when we're wearing makeup anyway, but other women (like those wenches at the office) always have a way of finding out.

Potbelly Pete's Pot O' Eye Gunk in Beer Barrel Browns, $111.11

Though the price may seem a little steep, the bottom of the barrel this isn't. Potbelly Pete (real name Peter Straylurk) is a godsend when it comes to crafting colors that call out to the modern man. From lagers to porters, the array of eye booze will leave you drunk at first sight. Not recommended for pregnant women.

Leslie Ashley Whitney's Urgent Lust for All Things Pretty, Colorful, and Pleasing to Leslie Ashley Whitney's Eyes $85

Confused critics have been eyeing Leslie Ashley Whitney for several months now, since this past fall's Frantic Fusion fashion show. Little is known about the mysterious Leslie Ashley Whitney, except that he is most likely not a woman, but merely a man with three androgynous names. Yet this is more reason to trust Leslie Ashley Whitney's brand of cosmetics, particularly his scintillating spring line of eye candy ("Go! Find-Leslie-Ashley-Whitney Green" and "Stop! I-See-Leslie-Ashley-Whitney Red" are must have hues!) If the three names don't do it for you, then perhaps the companion CD of spoken word poetry will. The standout track on this album is clearly "Initials in Court", with the lyrics of "I am Leslie Ashley Whitney! I am the LAW!" Fashion police take note, as there is a new sheriff of style this spring.

Whichever of these fine products you purchase this spring, just remember to pile them on proudly. Sheer or bold, there is simply no substitute for the superficial illusion of makeup. Plus, any of these eye colors are delightful for taking away the focus on the watery, red eyes brought on by those pesky springtime allergies. Thus, until womankind has found a way to combat nature, we shall resort to masking its side effects with only the classiest of cosmetics.

© 2005 Christina Delia



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Christina Delia is a freelance writer of humorous essays, screenplays, and poetry. She likes her problems rare and her men well done. Contact Christina Delia ( replace x with @ before sending.)


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