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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Fashion Have to Haves!

By Irene Duma

Nothing screams loser more than a wardrobe full of last year's clothes. So, don't be a frumpy dump and make sure that this season's newest glam styles find their way from the runway to your California closet.

Here's our list of the top 6 essential looks that will show off your husband's wealth admirably.

1. Girdles are back! It may be OK for your boobies to flop around all over the place a la Britney Spears, but don't be caught letting the flab around your middle move.

The new girdles made of comfy stainless steel and Gortex will whittle that middle down to a stiff 22 inches. True waifs at heart may literally die for the ideal 18 inch waist!!

(Slight note of caution: may cause liver and kidney displacement, respiratory distress, uterine prolapse, muscle and spine deformation, gastro-intestinal disorders, broken ribs, internal bleeding, heartburn and varicose veins)

2. Say bye bye diamond and hello black rhino horn. Let's face it, diamonds aren't rare. In fact, just about anybody and their redneck cousin can afford diamonds. So, save the dull crystal for your cat's flea collar and get yourself a stunning black rhino horn tiara or ankle bracelet.

With only a handful of black rhinos left in the world, the black rhino's horn is the real rare gem, and your real best friend. What better way to say class act. (Fair warning girls: only 2,400 left.)

3. Don't think endangered species are fit only for jewellery - there are a great many uses for all endangered animal species. Baby sea turtle shells make excellent diaphragm holders. Try Prada's new Blue Whale scrotum pants - they're so soft, it's positively dreamy. Or Givenchy's Juliana's Golden Mole poncho.

4. Blue eyeshadow is back. Why did it take so long? Evoke the natural look of the sky. On your eye! A heavenly look needs blue eyeshadow. And just in time for the release of the new Charlie's Angels movie. Coincidence? We think not.

5. Every little girl's dream will come true in Donna Karan's new cut low and thigh high "diva" dress. This ½ metre of shiny cheap polyester is guaranteed to make your Humbert Humbert go Ga Ga!!!

An absolute steal at $11,000 it also includes instructions and double-sided tape.

6. Boots. High-heeled boots. Boots with dresses or skirts. Boots with pants. Boots with boots!. They're sexy. They drive men wild. What more do we need to say?

(Warning: the surgeon general reports wearing high heels over 1 ¼ inches high can cause back strain and lead to severe chronic back ailments, as well as foot and calf problems. They recommend not wearing heels when intending to walk or stand.)

And don't forget the kids. It's important for kids and teens to be able to express their uniqueness and individual personal style so we recommend the Little Affiliate Kit by Maybelline. --Co-branding is all the rage!! Encourage little Posh or little Brad's creativity with 3 easy to transfer patterns of the Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klein or Disney logos.

This easy to use kit comes with all the needles and intructions little hands will need to create these gorgeous raised tattoos.

Only 50,000,000 kits will be available in stores this weekend so don't delay!


DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved