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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Beauty 911

By Elize Bergeron

Q I am in love with Manolo Blahnik shoes. The only problem is I can't seem to walk or stand in them. I have very broad feet and the tapered toes make mobility a near impossibility. What should I do?

A First of all, your very broad feet concern me. Feet (like the derriere) spread with constant use. But let's assume you are an Olympian not a poseur: I feel your main problem is prioritizing. You must ask yourself one of the most important questions of your life.

What do you want out of footwear?

If you wish to shout to the world "Look! I spent $637.00 on a pair of shoes that are impossible to walk in because I have loads of money and am therefore better than you." then your standing and walking problems are easily solved with two words: Taxi. Chair.

If however comfort is your primary concern, then not only are you doing Manolo a disservice you are ruining it for women who can wear this fabulous footwear. I suggest you invest in a pair of Tender Tootsies and head off to bingo.

Fashion is power. And with power comes responsibility. Fashion, in the wrong hands breaks down carefully drawn lines of class-distinction. Please remember that.

It is ultimately your decision, but this is matter that needs careful consideration. Perhaps you could talk to your minister.

Q I just found out that big shoulders are coming back in style. I am devastated as I spent a considerable sum on jackets last season. I don't feel I can afford to replace them. Elize, instead of investing in new jackets, couldn't I just put in some shoulder pads?

A No.

Q Elize, I have very, very thin lips. They still work fine and I don't seem to have any problems eating or kissing but I..

A Please spare me the details.

I get asked this question so much I've devoted a whole column to it. I will say this once and once only. The only lips to have right now are the Angelina Jolie Model. I have very graciously provided a stencil and an easy to follow step by step list that will provide you with luscious lips for under $300.00.

(Note: You must use the cosmetics below or it will not work.)

The Angelina Jolie Lip How To:

1. Save the image. If you don't know how, then I can't help you. Get someone without a manicure to show you.

2. Open the image in an image editing program and enlarge the stencil to 1 3/4 H x 2 7/8 W.

3. Cut around the dotted line (I've been told scissors work best for this.)

4. Coat lip and surrounding area liberally with Almay Amazing Lasting Hypo-Allergenic Concealer SPF 6 until you cannot see where your lips begin and your face ends unless you open your mouth.

5. Apply La Prairie Cellular Lip Treatment Complex to the lip area and let the lips absorb the treatment for ten minutes.

6. Repeat

7. Apply L'Oreal Air Wear Powder Foundation, SPF 17, Sand 40 all over face, avoid eyes and inside of mouth.

8. Position stencil 3/4" below your nose. (Note: weak chinned ladies may find some overhang--if so, stop at the bottom of your chin and move splotch on step 16 up 1/8".)

9. Using Chanel "Sienna" lip liner, follow inner line of stencil (Note: A steady hand is required. If you are a heavy drinker you may wish to dry-out before attempting this procedure.)

10. Fill in the entire lip area with one coat Revlon "Nude" matte liquid lip colour. (Note: It is very important to colour within the lines so you may wish to practice.)

11. Blot with Burt's Bees Wings of Love, Powdered Facial Tissues be very careful not to apply pressure and wait five minutes.

12. Repeat steps 10 & 11 and then skip to 13 otherwise you will never stop.

13. Coat center of lip leaving 1/4" around with Body Shop Cranberry Spice Continual Lip Colour.

15. Blot with Kleenex Expressions, White Facial Tissue, Unscented using a one-two motion, do not exceed 12 pats.

16. Dab a 1/4" splotch of the off white section of Almay Stay Smooth Beyond Powder Eyeshadow Shimmers in the center of bottom lip. (Note: As this must be exact, Dip pinky in shimmer, place your thumb in your ear, stick pinky out (of the same hand) and it should land in precisely in the center. If it doesn't your face is out of alignment and you made need a to draw a grid.)

17. Apply two coats of Stila Lip polish in "Glaze" and you're done.

And that's all there is too it.

You're welcome.

Q Please help me! My passion is swimming. I would spend every second of every day by the beach if I could.

Recently, I've felt rather insecure while sitting on the beach. I have a bit of cellulite and I can't seem to get rid of the twenty pounds I gained after my last child. I just can't seem to find a swimsuit that flatters me-what would you suggest?

A Perhaps your time would be best spent at a library or shopping mall. If you insist on swimming, the best solution would be to get your own pool. If you can't afford that you might want to sneak in after hours at your local pool.

Q I have to arrive at work at 6:00 A.M. How do I minimize the puffiness around my eyes?

A Cucumber slices or tea bags might minimize the puffiness slightly but for optimum results, get a job that starts at 11:00 a.m.

Q I'm a forty-five year old woman and I love to keep up with the latest trends. Recently after wearing pigtails and a midriff-baring top a friend of mine pulled me aside to tell me that what I was wearing was too young for me that it was time to grow-up and dress more "age-appropriate." I was completely destroyed by this comment. What should I say to her?

A Some people would say that you should not let your friend's advice bother you. We live in an age where a person should be free to wear what they want when they want, that we are individuals and should be free to express our personality through our hair makeup as well as our style of dress.

Those people are of course crazy. If they are right, then why aren't we seeing old crumblies like you on the cover of Vogue? No my dear, it's time to start facing facts. You are past your sell-by date and it's time to move on to tasteful knee length frocks, slacks and perhaps a few scarves for zest.

As far as what you should say to your friend how about a simple, humble "Thank you."

Q I have very brittle nails, what can I do to strengthen them?

A The nails like very other part of the body have muscles that need to be toned and exercised on a normal basis. These simple tips will turn your nails from brittle bitties to tender talons.

1. Balance a pencil on the edge of your nails and do 16 lifts.

2. Placing your fingers (tips first on the desk) push up. Repeat 46 times.

3. Acknowledge that they may have a problem.

4. For the nail cardio hold right arm straight over a table, tuck all fingers in save index and middle fingers. Place these on the table and make then run. Once you are comfortable with this action. Repeat the steps with the left arm until the left hand is chasing the right. (You may wish to tie yourself to a chair as this activity can be quite frenetic). Incorporate the other fingers by wiggling them.

Do this exercise for 15 minutes every morning and for an hour and 3 seconds every evening.

Before you go to bed apply a paste of mashed avocado and slip on some white Egyptian cotton gloves.

Avoid any activity that requires your hands.


Q I was at my local department store looking for a new handbag. I noticed a line of beautiful bags that the clerk explained were Fendi "knock-offs". I own a Fendi and couldn't find much difference--except of course the price. The genuine Fendi was $498.00 while the knock-off was $49.00. How does one tell the difference?

A Perhaps this wisdom isn't passed down from mother to daughter in the trailer park so I will patiently explain the difference to you:

The Genuine Fendi: Is approx. 12" long x 8 1/2" tall x 5" deep. The material is called Zucca and it features the FF logo pattern. The strap is made of dark brown leather, and is adjustable. Inside the purse, there is a small zippered pocket and inside the pocket there is a serial number printed on the material. The lining is marked in several places with a tiny stitching of the word FENDI. It comes complete with the store tags and the Fendi yellow dust bag.

The Fake Fendi

It is approx. 12" long x 8 1/2" tall x 5" deep. The material is called Zuccata and it features an FFF logo pattern. The strap is made of dark brown leather, and is length adjustable. Inside the purse, there is a small zippered pocket. Inside the pocket there is a serial numberprinted on the material. The lining is marked in several places with a tiny stitching of the word FENDI. It comes complete with the store tags but it does not come with the yellow dust bag.

Chalk and cheese.

© Sharon Grehan-Howes







DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved