PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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How to Flirt With Your Dentist

By Kate Heidel

Although we may be more than adept at flirting with some of the professionals in our lives -- the stock broker, lawyer, spiritual advisor -- how many of us have considered the dentist a worthy focus of our charms? His is not a glamorous profession, true. But if you doubt the value of flirting with your dentist, just chew awhile on these sample goodies:

 

If that doesn't put the kibosh on your qualms, chant this excerpt from an actual cosmetic dentistry FAQ:

"Dental insurance usually does not cover cosmetic dental procedures."

Oh, and if your dentist is a woman, what on earth were you thinking?! Waste no time in switching to the male variety.

Drop the Bib

Many of our readers are too young to remember the quaint flirting technique once known to all women as "Drop the Handkerchief." It is an art sadly lost on today's women, most of whom no longer carry dainty lace hankies in their purses. Although, to be fair to the modern female, there's not a lot of room left in an evening bag after the condoms and mace.

In the not so distant past, Drop the Handkerchief went something like this:

Upon eyeing a potential beau, a lady would pull a delicate hanky from her purse, letting the perfumed square drop noiselessly yet conspicuously on the ground, within eyeshot of her target. The gentleman knew that this was his signal to retrieve the hanky and approach the lady without fear of offending her honor. Then they would jump into bed together. This charming ritual continued throughout the evening, until the lady ran out of hankies, or gentlemen, whichever came first. And people think history is boring.

Hankies may be out, but the dental bib will never die! Therefore, after that heavily made up young girl, known in polite society as a "dental hygienist," is done cleaning and flossing your teeth to within an inch of your brain, do the following:

 

Pull out a sample-sized bottle of your favorite perfume from your pocket and quickly spray the bib.

Artfully loosen the dental bib so that it will fall easily when the time is right.

Try to look pretty, even though you are handicapped by having had your lipstick removed so roughly by the dental hygienist that your lips are cracked and bleeding. Pinch your cheeks, and pull up your skirt a little. We never said it would be easy!

 

Mentally review the list above to fortify your resolve.

Here comes your dentist! After the usual small talk about the weather and the pathetic state of your teeth, he will turn to look at your x-rays or to pick up an instrument of torture. Now's the time!

Pull on your loosened bib and aim it for the floor right next to your dentist's feet. Then say something like, "Oh, my, I seem to have dropped my bib!"

Your dentist's natural gallantry should now kick into gear, and as he retrieves the bib, he'll catch the seductive whiff of your hypnotic perfume. We should have mentioned earlier: spray liberally! You are overcoming the double impediments of the mask that today's dentist is likely sporting, and the bits of food your dental hygienist cleverly left on your bib in her deliberate attempts to keep anyone but her little slutty self from getting dental freebies.

Lean over to meet his eyes as he straightens up. If he doesn't stop dead in his tracks -- smitten by the fluttering of your false lashes and the deep blue/green/whatever of your fashion contacts penetrating his dentist goggles -- he's halfway there. Keep gazing, until he's standing over you. At this point you'll be staring submissively up at him, which pretty much casts any man under the spell of masculine pride, especially the shorter ones.

The surest sign that your dentist is succumbing to your charms is when he begins to sway. Although that may also have resulted from his quick dip to the floor, or to mild nausea brought on by those aforementioned food bits. No matter -- he's dizzy and that makes him suggestible!

Remember, your teeth are clean and your breath fresh. Take that, dental hygienist! In your best Marilyn Monroe, coo something like, "Oh, doctor, my teeth just aren't what they should be. You know? I just wish they could be whiter, or more laminated, or something like that. You know?"

If you're not gleaming in complimentary porcelain by the end of the week, our name isn't Happy Woman, and your name isn't whatever your name is!

In the extremely unlikely event that our dentist-tested technique doesn't work for you, try one these alternatives:

1. Drop the condom.

2. Mace the dental hygienist. You won't get any freebies, but you'll glow with a sense of accomplishment.


© 2005 Kate Heidel


OTHER HW ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL

 


ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, and her articles have appeared in "Rochester Magazine" and "Simply Minnesota."