PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Flush Men Who Brush

By Ian Coburn

(If you missed Ian on WGN's Morning News on Tuesday you can watch it here As well, take advantage of the special offer for Happy Woman Readers! More info at the end of the article.)

It is a known fact that all men are liars. That being the case, how can a woman know if a man truly means it when he says, "I love you?" She can't. Instead, she needs to look to his behavior to determine the truth. In the past, psychologists have suggested a woman pay attention to a man's sleep position or his car in order to determine his true feelings for her. Unfortunately, studies show these theories, while good, are only accurate

89.6% of the time. Fear not ladies; a new study uncovers a male behavior that reveals his true feelings for you accurately 100% of the time!

Men who brush their teeth meticulously, taking time to clean each tooth individually, are incapable of ever truly loving a woman long-term. They may love one for a short period, but cannot ever love her forever. They are nitpicky and will inevitably find fault with something she does. Then they will find fault with something else she does. Then something else. And then something else. You get the idea. See how a relationship with such a man will eventually unravel? Men who brush meticulously cannot love.

Men who brush their teeth without method or care, just going at it with all kinds of random motions and gestures, are too indecisive to love. They will like something a woman does one moment, than be agitated by it a mere instant later. Men who brush without method or care are incapable of love because they don't know what they like. A man who doesn't what he likes will always be curious about what he's missing in his current relationship and inevitably end said relationship to see what else is out there. (56.7% of women in relationships with such men suffer severe injuries in the bathroom while sharing the mirror. The random flailing gestures used to scrub the teeth result in critical elbowings and pokings.)

Men who brush their teeth up and down are bipolar. They cannot love. One day they are manic, excited about everything; the next they are scraping the bottom of the barrel, unable to even find a reason to get out of bed. These men see no worth in themselves, so they always question what women could possibly see in them. They have low self-esteem and men with low self-esteem are incapable of love.

Men who brush their teeth from side to side are shifty. These men are capable of love… with a different woman every night! They are only interested in one thing… and it's not a woman's shoes. Stay away from men who brush side to side; they can't love because they want every woman they meet, never giving one enough time to win their sincere affection and interest.

Men who brush their teeth in a circular motion ARE capable of love. But, these men are boring, always returning to the same habits. If you date one of these men, expect to spend every Saturday night at home watching his favorite movie for the umpteenth time. He'll want the same meals on the same nights (chicken on Tuesdays, macaroni and cheese on Wednesdays…). End relationships with such men. There is an 84% suicide rate among women who marry such men and a 14% divorce rate. The remaining 2% of women who stay with men who brush in a circular motion wind up in comas from utter boredom.

At first look, this airtight theory gives little hope of women finding love, doesn't it? Not true at all. Take a closer look; there is one type of man who has not yet been discussed.

Men who don't brush their teeth at all are the men to love. They are easy going, yet consistent in their due diligence to let their teeth rot away. They don't have annoying habits, like whistling or tapping their teeth with their fingernails. They don't care what they have for dinner, as long as it's blended into a nice mush. Their income is supplemented by a steady flow of cash from the tooth fairy (until the last tooth is lost). These men are confident; they don't need teeth to feel whole or important. They are not vain or shifty; a prettier woman is not going to turn their heads. Plus, according to the U.S. Department of Health, the average male spends 197,321 minutes of his life brushing his teeth. Think of all that extra time your toothless lover will have for you, you lucky girl! Men who don't brush truly love their significant others.

Where can women find such men? Don't worry, ladies, it's easier than you think. Men who don't brush are everywhere. You can find them sleeping on park benches or in their cars. Sometimes they can be found fighting with pigeons for scraps of food littering the ground. Some are quite resourceful, able to make entire homes out of a cardboard box.

Open your eyes, ladies, and find true love. Find yourself a man who doesn't brush today! Flush all the others; they'll only break your heart.

© Ian Coburn

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Comedian-turned-screenwriter Ian Coburn recently added author to his accolades with the release of his debut book, "God is a Woman: Dating Disasters." Ian offers dating advice for men and women by reliving his hilarious failed attempts to date or have one-night stands at different points of his life. He also throws in some celebrity stories about some of today's favorite stars, such as Nikki Cox, Drew Carey, and Damon Wayans. Ian is also on the cutting edge of technology, opting to go with a small publisher, enabling him to afford to donate $2 from each book purchase to children suffering from mental illness via NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness). Learn more, read reviews and excerpts, and even find a sample chapter at www.godisawoman.net.

Readers of HAPPY WOMAN may use coupon code "two" to receive $4 off the $16.95 retail price through Valentine's Day, the official bookstore release date for "God is a Woman: Dating Disasters." Watch for Ian discussing the book and dating on Chicago WGN's Morning News on Jan. 30, aired nationally except in New York and Los Angeles.