ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
You have a knack for investing. Not like in Microsoft or Facebook, no, your skill is time investing. You know just exactly how much time to put into waiting for the lady with her two screaming children to put her groceries in the trunk and leave so you can get her parking space. You won't put more than 45 seconds into waiting for a saleslady to stop texting and notice you. You invested one week exactly and no more on email exchanges with that moron on match.com who couldn't seem to commit to a date. And you got a huge return on your investment when you sat and listened to your girlfriend tell you all about her break-up and then you got that extra ticket to see Bruce Springsteen. One big loss was an investment in that idiotic video on You Tube, but they can't all be winners.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) This is Juno's birthday month! As time goes by we forget to follow our dreams. This is your opportunity to review where you've been and what you've done, evaluate your life, and make plans based on where you want to be at this time next year. Perhaps you want to be married. Perhaps you want to be pregnant. Maybe you want to be an aerialist with Cirque Du Soleil. The heavens don't judge. Just let it be said if you're a married, pregnant aerialist with Cirque Du Soleil, your husband better have health insurance.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Your indecision is causing you more stress than just committing one way or another. Should you quit your job? Or should you stick around in hopes you'll get a raise? Should you move to a cheaper apartment in town, or move to the suburbs, far away from the action but where you can have a yard? Should you shave your legs or bank on cool weather and continuing to wear long pants? Start with the little stuff and work your way up to the biggies. Go ahead and move, and by the time you unpack, the decision about shaving your legs will be moot.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) April showers are something you are insisting on for your two teenaged boys. They seem to have gotten away without showering, or at least washing their hair for much of March, but two months of this stench cannot be tolerated. It's enough that their hockey jerseys are standing up by themselves, and even the dog refuses to sniff their sneakers, but now that the authorities have declared your mud room a "Super Fund Clean-up Site", you are going to have to put your foot down. Just watch where you put it.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) By combining your resources with others you can make headway in saving up for that big purchase. Although that means moving into that all-middle-aged-ladies commune, you think it might be worth it if after a year, you can buy your own place. A commune is a way to share expenses for everything from food, to rent, to Jenny Craig memberships. Just make it clear to them that sharing for you only goes so far; that you insist on your own toothbrush, razor, and bed.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) If you can't change something, it's not worth worrying about. This goes for your husband, your kids, and your friends. If they cannot be convinced to get into the car early enough to get to the movie in time to see the coming attractions, then go by yourself, and tell whoever wants to come to meet you there. Sit about halfway back, like you prefer, buy the large popcorn, like you really want to, and realize that you are kind of hoping nobody else shows up.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Persephone who is normally romantic and charming, easygoing and sociable, starts this month feeling anxious and nervous, jumping at the slightest noise, whipping around to look over her shoulder whenever she catches movement out of the corner of her eye. Is it because she's hosting her 5 year old's birthday party and there in her living room are 11 five year olds smacking each other with light sabers while their parents giddily mix Smirnoff Vodka with the Hershey's chocolate syrup? This would cause even the most relaxed personality agita. You will live through this, Persephone, and can look forward the rest of the month to clean up and recover. The Hershey's syrup will be gone, but there's still a little Vodka in the Tropicana carton.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)You are not the sort to hold back when something needs to be said. But from the 9th to the 20th you will need to muster all your self-control when your boyfriend finally finishes the wall unit he insisted on building himself, and starts loading it with your books, knick-knacks, and the new flat screen TV. You can tell that this thing will never support all this stuff and in fact is already starting to bend in the middle and kind of list to the side, causing the whole apartment to look like it's a fun house in an amusement park. By the 21st, Leda gets to speak her mind when the whole unit collapses in a heap, taking the flat screen TV with it. Be careful how you respond when your boyfriend offers to "build" a new TV.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) Believe in yourself, Echo! You are real. You are not imaginary, like that big German man who visits your bedroom every night, nor the interest you believe is directed your way from the firemen across the street. You are not made of plastic and silicone like some store mannequin, or Cher; you are a real human being with feelings and dreams that deserve to be recognized and respected. If this includes the dream of having a big German man show up in your bedroom, that's your business, as long as you know the difference between dreams and reality. What we're trying to say, Echo, for your own good, you really have to give up your imaginary friends, Glaxo and Gleason.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) The 13th holds special significance for Pandora this month, just as it does for all the other Goddesses. The date sits on a cusp between Mars and Jupiter and looks disapprovingly down on Pandora, frowning at her choice of boyfriend, skirt length and haircut. A certain anxious intensity builds, starting the 1st of the month, up until the 13th when there will be a sort of cathartic eruption. The 13th is of course, Mother's Day, and the eruption will be Pandora telling her mother over brunch that she's an adult and that she will eat what she wants, date who she wants, and wear eyeliner during the day if she damn well feels like it!! After the 13th, things become surprisingly calm and lovely. Mars and Jupiter nod their approval.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)With Mitt Romney assured to be the Republican nominee, Psyche wonders if Americans will actually vote for someone who would mount a pet in a cage too small to even stand up in, on the roof of his car, for 12 hours. Psyche once did this to a mattress and felt bad about it for weeks afterwards. Orion's hunting dogs Canis Major and Minor sense that Psyche is on their side and grant her the peace, luck and great joy that can only come to those with compassion for the weak and disdain for assholes.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Strongly influenced by Neptune and Jupiter all this month, Phoebe can look forward to great hair days, good gas mileage and absolutely not one blister. She will lose not a single quarter in the washing machines, nor drop a single drop of red sauce on a white blouse. She will not pull the last square of toilet tissue off the role without another roll nearby, nor pocket dial an ex-boyfriend. In fact, Neptune is in such a great mood, he grants Phoebe a parking space right by the front door of Whole Foods. Phoebe may not meet the man of her dreams this month, but getting a space right by Whole Foods is almost as good.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Comedian Thalia's assignment this month is to "Simplify". Just how many shampoos can one person use in a lifetime? Why 5 different conditioners in the shower? Not to mention all the hand lotions, face lotions, body lotions and the under-eye creams, which take up a whole shelf just by themselves. Thalia's collection of balms and salves could soften the skin of half the planet if she'd just leave some for someone else to buy. Other people can build wells in Africa – Thalia's assignment is to finish one jar of Oil of Olay before she buys another.
©2012 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.