PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Help Wanted: Be My Maid-of-Honor

by Katie Sweeney

First of all, congratulations! You have already passed the first, and perhaps most crucial test in the path to become a Maid-of-Honor! You are a semi-attractive or better, outgoing, multi-tasking, assertive-when-dealing-with-bridesmaids-yet-subservient-when-dealing-with-me, female wanted for the opportunity of a lifetime! Sound exciting? Clear your calendar and read on…

Candidate must commit to attend nuptials to be held anytime in a period between 3 days and up to 2 years. Location can be disclosed at a time most convenient to Employer. At time of interview, candidate must be willing to disclose all family-planning practices and intentions during the entire Engagement [heretofore referred to as Contractual Period]. If change-in-status is made apparent at any time during Contractual Period, nominee is at risk to be demoted to lesser role, say Reader if not already taken by an uncle, in which case: Guest Book Attendant.

Candidate will assume all responsibilities related to coordinating "surprise" events in honor of the Bride. This includes - but is not limited to - achieving maximum attendance at shower(s) and bachelorette party. Details regarding any and all events must be first cleared with the Bride.

Candidate may or may not be consulted on Wedding Day attire, regardless is expected to smile upon hearing the price of dress, shipping, alterations and footwear. As Date nears, appointments for hair, makeup and pedicures will be offered as "suggestions", but in order to avoid awkwardness, candidate should willingly sign up (and pay in advance for) all three. Candidate risks being placed in back of Official Event Photos if corners are cut with regards to attire, overall hygiene or togetherness of mind and body during all Obligatory Events. REMEMBER: you represent the Bride in actions and appearance, so always put your best face - and French-manicured foot - forward!

Candidate is expected to make a 2-3-minute speech at Reception, preferably before alcoholic consumption exceeds 2 drinks maximum (for the entire day leading up to Speech) and before Best Man speaks. Suggested topics to avoid: 6th grade; the time in college when Jessica was more than just a roommate; mother-in-law; sudden termination from first employer; the ex-boyfriend who is now a professional tennis player. Candidate is encouraged to practice beforehand and not engage in "off the cuff" speaking. NOTE: This is your chance to have fun and share with the guests your special friendship with Bride. (Topics must be cleared by the Bride 2 days in advance.)

Position will most likely require additional weekend commitments as well as 20% (non-reimbursed) travel.

In the event that nuptials are cancelled, called off, postponed or amended during Contractual Period, candidate absorbs any monetary losses and is prohibited from saying phrases along the lines of "Now what am I going to do with a tealength, lace-trimmed garden dress in Honeydew."

This is a volunteer, unpaid position and it is recommended that candidate also hold full-time position so as to be able to afford this responsibility. And when I say afford, I mean money. Although if we're talking sanity, best if you clear your calendar.

Free meal, open bar and access to any and all groomsmen will be granted upon completion of responsibilities. Responsibilities are considered fulfilled upon completion of getting together with Bride to review the 600 Official Event Proofs.

©2006 Katie Sweeney

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Katie Sweeney is an advertising copywriter; her parents have no idea what that means. She is also the creator of Pink Lemonade Diva (http://pinklemonadediva.blogspot.com)