The Evolution
of Homo Gurlis:*
A phenomenal new
study of the Barbae Plasticae.
Conducted by Dr.
Qinyun Wang, M.D., Ph.D., G.U.R.L
The theory of evolution
stipulates that the first human-like creatures, the hominids, evolved
from the primordial apes approximately four million years ago. The hominids,
classified by the genus Homo, eventually gave way to the more modern
Homo Sapiens, a species characterized by large brain mass and comparatively
erect posture.
In an astounding
event thousands of years in the making, the Homo Sapiens diverged
into two subspecies, the Homunculus and Homo Gurlis. Members
of the latter group of organisms, known as gurls, women, or females
(the terms have been confirmed to be interchangeable), possessed advantageous
traits that anthropologists today fondly call savvy and know-how.
Qualities such as
these have aided women in making wise decisions century after century,
millennium after millennium: the ancient Egyptians insisted on using a
mercury-based dye for their lipstick -foaming at the mouth and vomiting
simply meant that a gurl had descended from the top of the social
pyramid; Victorian-Era females, in a spontaneous, syncopated movement,
flocked to stores in droves to get their finger appendages and opposable
thumbs on skeletal sculpting corsets. Intense research into these glorious
nanoseconds on the clock of evolution has revealed tenet number one of
all gurls: pain is beauty.
Demonstrating what
specialists from all remotely scientific fields deem as laudable application
of know-how, the American sub-subspecies of woman discovered that sticking
a vacuum to the surface of one's thigh or belly at a thirty-six degree
angle could potentially rid these areas of excess fatty tissue. And so
emerged the dawn of liposuction and reconstructive surgery, more popularly
known as the Plastozoic/Cenozoic Era. Dr. Scarlett O'Henry, leading scientist
in the field of Molecular Rearrangement, was heard saying to her second
cousin's brother-in-law: "Thanks to the dawn of liposuction and reconstructive
surgery, more popularly known as the Plastozoic/Cenozoic Era, hideously
ugly women don't have to feel so bad about being hideously ugly! This
is truly a new, feel-good era."
Thus, in accordance
with Darwin's "Survival of the Fittest" theory, social developments
such as Halo and pornography affected the weaker Homunculus alone.
Graphic images combined with simultaneous sexual stimulation seemed to
defy the psychological capabilities of individual homunculi, or
little men, causing the creatures to suffer a massive overall reduction
in brain mass (the average size has been carefully estimated to be around
nine ounces, compared to the pre-Halo pornography era of nine point seven
ounces). With virtually no ability to cogitate, the Homunculus
experienced extreme difficulty in securing food and subsequently vanished
from all regions of the orbis terrarum**, leaving the members of
the Homo Gurlis as the undisputed ninth level consumers.
At first, this species
persisted in its resilience, inventing the brassiere and bikini. It dominated
the political arena and seized control of the airwaves, gaining the reverence
of millions with comments such as, "Remember, no one can make you
feel inferior without your consent" and "I am a desperate housewife."***
As time passed, however,
enduring superficial demands led to an atmosphere saturated with greenhouse
gases and trans hydrogenated fat. Such changes in the biosphere
took an inevitable toll on the Homo Gurlis as the Plastozoic/Cenozoic
period drew to a close. Corrective surgery became obsolete as nature took
over: Individual gurls discovered an increasing plasticity in their
limbs as well as a sudden uniformity in hair color and style; their new
heads of fabulous blonde tresses eventually grew to such quality and quantity
that, were he still alive today, homunculi Donald Trump would surely
experience the psychological sensations of envy and shame; the female
cranial cavity, once a container for healthy cognitive tissue, now served
as storage space for inanimate objects termed as 'fresh, sun kissed lips;'
most alarming of all, however, was the loss of mandible motility, caused
by the lack of nutrient intake.****
Due to such dramatic
changes, the Homo Gurlis was declared as extinct in 2000 A.D.;
in its place, scientists recognized the Barbae Plasticae, characterized
as vapid, very bendy, and copyrighted by Mattel, Inc. Although most scientists
agree that the decline of the Homo Gurlis is lamentable, Dr. Schwarzenegger
of Tinsel Town University sees it as a positive development and asserts,
"ziar feine leggs an neighsely toned ahrms maikh zem veery popeulaar
candyidates iin Californiah."*****
* girl
** Latin for Earth
*** comments made
by First Ladies Eleanor Roosevelt and Laura Bush
**** dieting
***** their fine
legs and nicely toned arms make them very popular candidates in California
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
'Dr.' Wang idles
her days away in the smelly armpit of America: New Jersey. She is currently
researching the best way to attain a swimsuit body; her results thus far
have indicated that diet and exercise may actually lead to gum disease.
Her sole ambition is to act in a movie in which she wins a Nobel Prize
while starring opposite Brad Pitt.
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