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you tired of striving for the love that you want, rather than
surrendering yourself to the slavish devotion that he wants?
Does that pesky self-esteem
keep popping up like a pustule on prom night? Well, what better
time than spring to plant the seeds for perennial
connubial bliss? Here's a 10-day plan to weed out the vestiges
of your dignity. Fear not: you, too, can be that self-effacing
slip that every man wants to know
Ask yourself the following 3 simple yet quintessential philosophical
1. Who is the centre of my universe?*
(a) I am, and in being my own centre
I am free to guide others in their journey toward self-discovery
(b) Pre-menstrually speaking, anything
edible that is not nailed down
(c) He is
2. Why do I exist?*
(a) To fulfill the promise that
is uniquely me
(b) Because 2 people called mom
and dad couldn't control themselves
(c) For him
3. What is true love?*
(a) Taking a jilted friend's call
at 3 a.m. every night for a week
(b) Buying the first round
(c) Dedicating myself wholly to
the lifelong satisfaction of his every want and need
* When in doubt, choose "c".
Day 2: Repeat the following
mantra: "It's all about him." This is your deep
thought. Your daily affirmation. Your love-it-or-lose-him
Day 3: Go for a complete
overhaul-face, body, hair, make-up, the works. You cannot
possibly be pretty enough, skinny enough, young enough
or hip enough. Who cares if you're
scintillating, scrupulous, and self-possessed? He wants the
packaging, not the contents. And what he wants, you
Day 4: Place mantra-filled
post-it notes in strategic locales-on the phone (to guide
your conversations with or about him); by the door (as part
of your final "check"
before going to stalk...oops! I mean "see" him);
and in your make-up bag (good for about 20 reminders per day).
Day 5: Whenever he asks
you something about you, coyly deflect the inquiry.
Example: Q: So, why is it that
you find me so ruggedly handsome?
A: Oh, enough about me. You are
so big...I mean...really BIG.
Day 6: Bake mantra-iced
cookies. Eat entire batch standing up. This is work. This
is not fun. And calories do not count when consumed while
in a vertical position.
Day 7: Master the art of self-denial. No more cultivating friendships, which only detract from your time with (or obsessing over) him. No more eating after 2 p.m. (Only cows wear more than a size 2.) No more devising brilliant proposals at work that could lead to a promotion, that would lead to more money, that could mean that you'll earn more money than he does, which would surely buy you a one-way ticket to singledom.
Self-actualization is so
Day 8: Write your mantra in indelible ink backwards on your forehead. Stare at yourself in the mirror 6 times per day, 4 hours at a time.
(Remember that time you ate nothing
but grapefruits for 10 days straight? This is so much easier.)
Day 9: Offer to come over
and clean up after card night with the boys. Better yet, insist
on driving the drunken lot to the peeler show. Pay their
cover charge. Find that scrap
of paper with the phone number for the "friend"
he ran into at the bar on Friday night. There's nothing you
can't (or won't) do for
Day 10: Have your mantra
tattooed on the inside wrist of your dominant hand. Glance
down at it after slapping yourself silly every time you
hear yourself say "I"
in any conversation with him.
Congratulations! You are totally unrecognizable to yourself or to anyone else who knew you B.H. ("Before Him"). In fact, you aren't even there. Go ahead and celebrate with a great big wedge of humble pie. (You deserve it. And, it's calorie-free-- I swear.) Didn't I tell you this stuff works?
© Trudy Jerome, 2003
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Trudy Jerome is a writer based in Toronto, Canada. Her more waggish work has appeared in various national business law publications. You can contact her at: firstname.lastname@example.org