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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Hypnotize Your Man Without Drugs or Lingerie!

How many times have you sweetly asked your man for a little car or a modest, extra condo and gotten that look? You know, the one that implies you might have taken your cranial acupuncture treatment once too often.

Men are brutes, it's true, but if we can't help but love them, we must work with what we've got! And your brute -- essentially a Cro-Magnon with electronics -- is a simple, suggestible creature. He is the very inspiration for humanity's crowning invention: hypnosis! Read on to learn how you can put this effective yet harmlessly manipulative tool to work for you.

A Man and His Bathroom

If there's anything we ladies can count on, it's that once a man has shut the bathroom door carrying reading material, he will remain there for a minimum of 15 minutes. Five minutes of hypnotic suggestion is all you need, so imagine what you can accomplish with three times the opportunity! While he is ensconced, as it were, simply press your lips right against the bathroom door and, in a sweet but monotonous voice, intone your suggestion. The sound you produce will be transmitted as an indecipherable, pleasant hum to his conscious self, much like the fan you insist he always run during his manly toilet duties.

Through the magic of physics, however, your voice will reconstitute itself via the amazing acoustics of bathroom tiles, which will in turn cleverly pipe into his unconscious mind all that you desire. In his seated position he is a captive audience, a helpless receptacle for your underhanded yet completely reasonable demands. This is the perfect time to suggest, for example, $50,000 in small bills -- think of the shoes!!

Sleepy Time with Really Bad Music

Yes, the Land of Nod is nature's own hypnotic state. To quote the experts, "Optimum suggestibility is obtained during sleep in the early morning hours." They add that for sleep hypnosis to work its magic, you must precede your suggestion with an unpleasant stimulus, such as a nauseating musical selection. Although taste in music is generally considered subjective, our experts voted unanimously on the universal power of anything labeled "inspirational" by Kathie Lee Gifford for sheer dependability.

The recommendation is at least one verse and one chorus of Ms. Gifford, followed by blessed silence, and then your soft voice repeating something like, "sign for that darling condo with a view, sweetcakes." The world is your oyster!

Beer and Tiny Pajamas

We first need to clear up a common misconception: Beer is not alcohol in the strict sense, and is therefore definitely NOT a drug. Beer is derived from various healthful grains and is thus more accurately classified as breakfast cereal.

Hard liquor, on the other hand, IS a drug, distilled from a strange and rare species of plant known as "mash." It is found only in tropical rain forests and must be sought out by brave expeditioners, known as "alcoholics," who forage among the teeming underbrush. There they search for telltale signs that a mash plant is near, such as tropical squirrels passed out cold on the forest floor. But we digress.

And what of tiny pajamas? As long as they contain no hint of lace and are made of 100% breathable, wholesome cotton, they cannot possibly be defined as lingerie. Even little flower appliqués and eyelets are acceptable accoutrements to our friend the tiny pajama. Therefore, it is perfectly reasonable for you to appear before your man tastefully coifed and made-up, dressed in your teensy-weensy all-cotton pj's and high heels, carrying cold glasses of beer for a little friendly chat. Hypnotism somehow kicks in all by itself, without requiring any further assistance on your part.

We doubtless speak for all cotton- and grain-loving folk when we say that nature is a wonderful thing.

© 2006 Kate Heidel

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.

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