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How many times
have you sweetly asked your man for a little car or a modest, extra
condo and gotten that look? You know, the one that implies you might
have taken your cranial acupuncture treatment once too often.
Men are brutes,
it's true, but if we can't help but love them, we must work with
what we've got! And your brute -- essentially a Cro-Magnon with
electronics -- is a simple, suggestible creature. He is the very
inspiration for humanity's crowning invention: hypnosis! Read on
to learn how you can put this effective yet harmlessly manipulative
tool to work for you.
Man and His Bathroom
anything we ladies can count on, it's that once a man has shut the
bathroom door carrying reading material, he will remain there for
a minimum of 15 minutes. Five minutes of hypnotic suggestion is
all you need, so imagine what you can accomplish with three times
the opportunity! While he is ensconced, as it were, simply press
your lips right against the bathroom door and, in a sweet but monotonous
voice, intone your suggestion. The sound you produce will be transmitted
as an indecipherable, pleasant hum to his conscious self, much like
the fan you insist he always run during his manly toilet duties.
magic of physics, however, your voice will reconstitute itself via
the amazing acoustics of bathroom tiles, which will in turn cleverly
pipe into his unconscious mind all that you desire. In his seated
position he is a captive audience, a helpless receptacle for your
underhanded yet completely reasonable demands. This is the perfect
time to suggest, for example, $50,000 in small bills -- think of
with Really Bad Music
Yes, the Land
of Nod is nature's own hypnotic state. To quote the experts, "Optimum
suggestibility is obtained during sleep in the early morning hours."
They add that for sleep hypnosis to work its magic, you must precede
your suggestion with an unpleasant stimulus, such as a nauseating
musical selection. Although taste in music is generally considered
subjective, our experts voted unanimously on the universal power
of anything labeled "inspirational" by Kathie Lee Gifford
for sheer dependability.
The recommendation is at least one verse and one chorus of Ms. Gifford, followed by blessed silence, and then your soft voice repeating something like, "sign for that darling condo with a view, sweetcakes." The world is your oyster!
Beer and Tiny Pajamas
We first need
to clear up a common misconception: Beer is not alcohol in the strict
sense, and is therefore definitely NOT a drug. Beer is derived from
various healthful grains and is thus more accurately classified
as breakfast cereal.
Hard liquor, on the other hand, IS a drug, distilled from a strange and rare species of plant known as "mash." It is found only in tropical rain forests and must be sought out by brave expeditioners, known as "alcoholics," who forage among the teeming underbrush. There they search for telltale signs that a mash plant is near, such as tropical squirrels passed out cold on the forest floor. But we digress.
And what of
tiny pajamas? As long as they contain no hint of lace and are made
of 100% breathable, wholesome cotton, they cannot possibly be defined
as lingerie. Even little flower appliqués and eyelets are
acceptable accoutrements to our friend the tiny pajama. Therefore,
it is perfectly reasonable for you to appear before your man tastefully
coifed and made-up, dressed in your teensy-weensy all-cotton pj's
and high heels, carrying cold glasses of beer for a little friendly
chat. Hypnotism somehow kicks in all by itself, without requiring
any further assistance on your part.
speak for all cotton- and grain-loving folk when we say that nature
is a wonderful thing.
© 2006 Kate Heidel
Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL