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Turquoise Taylor Grant
Lashes, lashes, lashes-eyelashes, of course, what else? We take them for granted, but it's time to ask yourselves: Am I doing enough to care for these important hairs? Lashes help us wink and blink and flutter. Without them, flirting would cease to exist, and we'd have to rely on passed notes or sharp nudges of the elbow to signal our interest in that devastating creature in grey flannel down at the end of the bar. In short, lashes make love possible, and it is crucial that we lavish our attention on them.
Proper lash care is best achieved in a series of eleven simple steps, which must be followed in the precise order set out below, or run the risk of a disturbing rash that cannot be described here.
1. Prepare a mixture of tung oil and peppermint soap, and using a clean natural sea sponge (preferably harvested by you, so you know it's genuine) gently cleanse each lash, ensuring that sufficient bubbles permeate the length of the hair.
2. Stand beneath an outdoor shower you have filled in advance with rainwater and capers, and let the mixture rinse off your eyelashes ONLY. Important: Do not let this mixture hit your skin, as it will cause lesions, which could inhibit dating.
3. Dry each lash with a separate linen hand-towel. It's best to work on the top lashes of the right eye first, from the outside to the inside corner, using a "dabbing" motion. Do not swipe! Dab.
4. Using a mirror with a magnification power of at least 30, carefully inspect each set of lashes, beginning with the left lower lashes. Check for water droplets that may have escaped the linen toweling. (If you discover any water droplets, start over at step one.)
5. Prepare the eye area with a hydrating, anti-sagging cream with an SPF no higher than 15. Avoid touching the lashes with the cream. (If contact occurs, start over at step one, and vow to do better this time.)
6. Pat the eye area with a fresh sea sponge dipped in pearl dust. This will create flattering reflections as light hits each lash and creates a dappled effect reminiscent of twilight in the South Pacific.
7. Keeping your eyes closed, prepare the mascara. Depending on the shade you wish to achieve, you may select a variety of pigments, but you may find that a combination of powdered mink, ebony and orris root (as a fixative) combined in a base of ordinary tile grout will offer the most alluring hue. Mix until the substance acquires the texture of library paste, then seal the vial and heat it in a pressure cooker to 220 degrees.
8. When the mascara has cooled, which you can test by dropping a spoonful on your extended tongue, position yourself in a comfortable chair and using a sable brush made up of no more than three hairs, apply the mixture to a single lash on the lower right side.
9. Allow the mascara to dry for 45 seconds, then blot with a clean swatch of black silk.
10. Repeat for each lash, applying a thick coat. The look you're going for is an exuberant spray of filaments, like a Mexican red-kneed tarantula frozen in delight upon finding a luna moth trapped in her web.
11. Stare into the sun, remaining motionless until the mascara is completely, totally dry and the sun has set. Ask a girlfriend to certify the dryness, and have a notary witness her signed statement to that effect.
See? With just a tiny bit of effort, eyelashes can finally take their rightful place in the spotlight, center stage right smack dab in the middle of your face. Proper care will ensure long lives for your lashes, allowing them to act as your ambassadors to the world of romance, signaling your every intention with a flutter like the wings of a dove.
Go to it, girls!
© 2006 Turquoise Taylor Grant
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Grant is a writer living in Southern California, a position which
she realizes places her very low on the ladder of "glamour"
jobs but darn, if she isn't still giving it a go. She lives on a
45-foot sailboat with her boyfriend and lots of footwear impractical
for life at sea.