PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Are You Pregnant? Let the Magic 8 Ball® Help You Decide!*

By SB Shoemaker

You're successful in most areas of your life, confident and sure - but using the right anti-perspirant isn't always enough. Lately you've been noticing changes that trouble you, like you've outgrown your fat clothes and growl at anyone who comes near your food. You sense something is different, but hesitate to talk to your doctor.

Discussing health issues unique to women - such as pregnancy - can be a problem. Perhaps you are embarrassed or uncomfortable talking about your body. Maybe you slept through health class in high school.

Whatever the reason for your discomfort, relief is just a twist of the wrist away. That classic toy you loved as a child, the Magic 8 Ball ®, has now been re-engineered and redesigned to provide fast, reliable, up to the minute answers to all your questions on this - or any - subject. So take our easy quiz and take the uncertainty out of your day.

1. Are you female?

2. Are you the Virgin Mary? If not, have you ever known a man in the biblical sense?

3. Are you feeling cranky and out of sorts and been throwing up every morning before breakfast?

4. Have you recently gained weight - such as fifty pounds in the past 9 months?

5. Are you unable to see your toes?

6. Do strangers ask to rub your tummy, even though you are not Buddha?

7. Do you feel like maybe an alien is living inside your abdomen and trying to kick or claw its way out?

8. Have people been telling you that you "glow" even though your name isn't Jennifer Lopez?

9. Have you been waking at 3 a.m. and asking your spouse/significant other to make you an anchovy/marshmallow/ketchup sundae?

10. Are you in a hospital room, lying on a bed with your feet in stirrups while a stranger wearing a mask tells you to push?

Are you pregnant? (1 point for every yes):

Score

  1. Don't Count on it
  2. Cannot Predict Now
  3. Reply Hazy - Try Again
  4. Outlook Not so Good
  5. Better Not Tell You Now
  6. Concentrate and Ask Again
  7. Signs Point To Maybe
  8. Outlook Good
  9. Most Likely
  10. Ask Again Later

*DISCLAIMER: The author is not, never has been, and probably never will be a health care professional although she once met one at a party, believes in better living through chemistry and occasionally visits websites featuring information on health related issues some of which offer amazing products guaranteed to make some body parts shrink and other body parts grow in ways that she finds truly amazing.

© 2005 S. Shoemaker All Rights Reserved

OTHER HW ARTICLES BY SB SHOEMAKER

 

  • How to Wow in 7 Steps!
  • Fabulous Fixes for Figure Flaws

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Susan, a former flight instructor and air traffic controller, now spends most of her time looking for her car keys. She lives and writes in southern Wisconsin, but would much prefer to spend winters drinking and writing in the south of France. If you bothered to read this far, please contact all the publishers you know and tell them to send her money. Or you can cut out the middleperson and just send it to her directly.  Or wire it, because it isn't safe to send cash through the mail.  And ever since that incident involving the Fantasy Chippendale League, she no longer trusts the staff here at HW. Even though it was just a joke and she got her money back.