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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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How to Keep Your Man Happy !

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

Turn your Grumpy Grant into a Happy Herbie with these simple tips!

When he comes home from a hard day at work, greet him at the door wearing nothing but two chicken legs as pasties.

Show him you love absolutely everything about him by wearing his soiled underpants on your head and putting on a puppet show with his dirty socks.

Prepare his favourite meal and arrange the food on his plate into a scene from his favourite movie. (You may need food colouring, pimento and asparagus).

Buy several fashions magazines and point out all the the beautiful women he could be with. Then cry.

Make a list of all the things he hates and lobby congress to ban them.

When he farts, applaud.

Change your perfume so that you will smell like a new car or gorditas.

Call his boss and tell him/her to look after your "honey bunny".

Free him from repetitious tasks by answering all his personal mail.

Invite his family over for dinner every night.

Buy an accordion and hold a "Love Parade" every Saturday in front of your house.

Henna tattoo your name backwards on his forehead while he's sleeping. That way every time he makes a lane change in the car he'll think of you.

Go through his favourite books with Liquid Paper and place his name in place of the protagonist and jolly up the evil bits.