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EST. May 2000 (AD)




How to be Miserable in Ten Easy Men or Less!

By Rondi Adamson

Tired of being happy? Tired of being involved with all of those men who want to marry you? If it seems the joy will never end, there does exist a simple solution. Look for a different kind of man. Stop going for those dreaded "nice" guys who are honest, have values and are, yes, BORING. Choose the road less travelled and see if it doesn't make all the difference. Pretty soon you'll be down in the dumps, kleenex always in hand, vodka bottle nearby to

Rondi Adamson is a freelance writer living in Toronto. She believes writing is the highest of callings and only worthwhile when it can ennoble mankind. Accordingly therefore, she will only write for "anyone who pays me."Look for her feature "Why Small Children should be Armed" in an upcoming issue of "Guns N' Ammo Weekly."

Rondi's turn-ons are world peace, rainbows and getting cheques in the mail. Her turn-offs are ethnic cleansing, anthrax scares and celebrities who pretend they are really very shy. Her hobbies are going on dates, making wine, working out and worrying.

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numb that frontal lobe. You'll be so miserable you won't love company anymore, because you'll drive it all away. Except of course, for the men in your life. The new, awful guys you should start chasing after. Guys like these never disappear. If you don't know who I'm talking about, please read on. After all, I just want you to stop smiling.

1) The Drug Addict, aka "The Skank." This man can be a lot of fun, especially after he's snorted cocaine. He's a great dancer and a great date. Those qualities can suck you in, but once you're in, you're in for a wild ride. Beware his massive moodswings! Beware his pathological dishonesty! Beware his constant need for money -- he will take yours and any "loans" will not be returned. He will put you in danger of legal trouble. Do not, I repeat, do not, cross any internationals borders with him, or bring packages anywhere for him. If you want misery with this skank, find him in the film community, the fashion industry and the "import-export" business.

2) The Tomcat, aka "The Puer Aeternus." He's just a boy who can't say no. Even without a baby face, there's something boyish about him. Like a little kid, he'll make you feel that urge to cuddle him and make sure he feels loved. And without you, there'd only be, oh, fifteen other women making him feel loved. There are usually reasons for his huge success with the fairer sex, so who could blame you for putting up with him? And unlike the Skank he can found in many walks of life. One caveat -- if you must be miserable with a Tomcat, make sure he uses a condom, or you may be miserable forever.

3) The Married Man, aka "The Cad." Akin to the Tomcat, the Cad thinks one woman is not enough, least of all the one he's vowed to keep himself only unto till death do they part. This is one of your few gateways to misery who can be found virtually anywhere, in all shapes, ages and sizes. Oh, he has his advantages. Marriage has taught him to hang up towels after he showers, to put dishes in the sink and to flatter, flatter, flatter. You'll get great gifts from the Cad, and since he can only see you in the afternoons, your evenings will still be open for other lousy men. So he may not seem like a candidate for total misery. But make no mistake, he'll still rip your heart out in the long run.

4) The Sexually Confused, aka "The Both Sides Now." He of the Ambiguous Sexual Orientation always appeals to women, since, like his openly gay brethren, he is often sensitive, well-dressed and enjoys shopping. You can try to convince yourself that this fellow is straight, but if you have any doubts about his leanings, he probably does too. If he knows what a "sorbet" color is, for example, consider yourself warned. And while this may give him allure, like the Cad, the Both Sides Now will ultimately destroy you. After all, being cheated on is bad enough, but when the cheating is done with every other gender, it really does a number on your self-esteem.

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©2001 Rondi Adamson

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