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EST. May 2000 (AD)




How to Nurture Your Rage: A Primer for the Deserving Angry

By Pamela Miller

Many people each day find themselves in unhappy situations that are beyond their control. Whether the cause was loss of employment, disappointment in school, or being rejected by a loved one, the result is always the same. First comes the crushing depression, the kind that spirals the sender into hours of primal screaming and barely audible wailing. Then the person enters the second phase: anger. Other self-help manuals instruct the user to let go of anger in constructive ways. These helpful strategies often involve potpourri and a hot glue gun. While crafts for the home are a delight to all, some of us are not about to run to the fabric store for a bolt of velveteen and silk flowers. There is no truth that anger, rage, and disappointment need a healthy outlet. They need to be nourished. Rage allows us to take care of our deep seated need for revenge. Rage is our friend.

Step One: The House

The house needs to be purged of all reminders of the offender or offenders. If one should happen to have kept a shrine to the offender, a voodoo doll is a perfect replacement. Items need to be stored far from the home or burned in a ceremony that includes the written transcript of the last time he said he loved or cared for you.

Step Two: The Name

The offender might have been a great pal. Then he sucked you into a spiral of hate. It wouldn't seem right to continue to call him Sweetheart Muffinhead or Charming Happy Man. Might we suggest a nickname that truly suggests the nature of the offender? If the person morphed into a sadistic monster, Dr. Mengele is a fine new nickname. Be creative. Please note that Dr. Hannibal Lecter is not a good nickname because that character had several positive traits. Just because he was a cannibalistic killer does not mean he wasn't a good writer, musician and cook.

Step Three: Your Reputation.

Nobody likes a whiner. If you constantly complain to your friends and acquaintances about the actions, overt and covert, of the offender, you'll eventually lose their interest. Don't tell people anything. Let the rumor mill do the talking for you. You'll come out smelling like a rose. The offender will seem more and more like a someone deserving of the name Dr. Mengele.

Step Four: Oh Happy Revenge

Now that you have your life in order, it's time to come up with a plan to disturb that of the offender. This doesn't have to be anything you'd actually do. Planning revenge is cathartic. Actually acting on the plan may be felonious. Destruction of property isn't as much fun as planning the offender's downfall. If the person is very particular about his reputation, then it's quite easy to let slip that he once or twice did something too awful to bring up in polite society. (Again, don't feel the need to give the bad action a name. The suggestion is all that is necessary.) If the offender has something to lose, he has all the more reason not to wish to trample upon you again. That's your ace in the hole. Play it wisely. Finally, do not give into the impulse to forgive his transgresses. Forgiveness isn't always a virtue; it may be codependent.

Step Five: Moving on with Your Life

Don't let anger, rage, and revenge consume your life. A couple weeks will do. Then it's time to move towards that happy bright future you were destined to lead before being sucked in by the copious charms of Dr. Mengele.

© 2006 Pamela Miller


Pamela Miller saves the world by day, writes by night, and wishes that she could find a hotter place to live than Phoenix. The world is simply too cold.




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