PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Ask the Diet Psychologist

by Phil McMaw, Ph.D.

The Drive-Thru Doctor ®

I may not be Phil McGraw but then again you're no Oprah.

Why am I Fat?

Dear Dr. Phil,

Every morning, I look in the bathroom mirror and tell myself, "Today is the day I'm going to stick to my diet and exercise plan." But every night, I go to bed wondering how and why I failed. From the moment that first bacon-egg-cheese biscuit lures me in, I'm toast. My willpower fails me, and I wind up blowing my whole diet.

What's wrong with me?

Sincerely,

Butterball

Dear Butterball,

First let me say it's a real privilege for all of you to have me as a guest author here at Happy Woman Magazine.

Butterball, my research has uncovered shocking new evidence regarding diet and weight loss. I followed six anonymous research participants for three days, which creeped them out because they thought I was stalking them, and discovered EATING can cause OBESITY.

You'll find more about this stunning development in my new book: [insert link here to Random Acts of Malice]

Diet Drugs Do Not Work

Dear Dr. Phil,

I think I'm addicted to chocolate, and if I could just get this under control, I'd lose the weight I've always wanted to. Can you help me?

Sincerely,

Chocoholic

Dear Choco,

Obviously, you have self-esteem issues brought on by your shabby treatment at the hands of your morally bankrupt mother. This sort of upbringing often manifests in the adult years as a need to be famous. And rich. And on TV. Bad mothering also results in bossiness.

Let me tell you what you need to do! You need to stop trying to tell everyone else what to do and focus on improving yourself. By this, I mean improving your SELF. Go on, figure it out.

Also, you probably could benefit from reading my new book: [link]

Diet Goeth Before a Fall

Dear Dr. Phil,

I'm very proud of myself. I was 187 pounds overweight, but I put myself on a strict, healthy diet and began walking one mile a day. As time went by, I increased my exercise level and now am a champion weightlifter. I'll be participating in the next Olympic games - quite an accomplishment for a 37-year-old mother of nine.

The problem is, my husband isn't supportive. I think the sissy-boy is just jealous of my achievements. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Gerta

Dear Gerta,

Wow, you really have some ego problems. Let's remember, you're not educated. You don't, for example, have a Ph.D., nor have you published any books, nor are you ever on TV. So, I wouldn't get too big for my britches if I were you.

I think you need to take a step back, literally. Put a little weight back on and get in touch with the mousy housewife you once were. No husband deserves a wife who can bench press him.

If this advice makes you angry, take it up with the Editor In Chief. My number is unlisted.

Also, you may want to consult my book for more advice on handling weight loss sensitivity in spouses: [link]

If you have dieting questions for Dr. Phil, send them to satirista@gmail.com. Due to the high volume of calls from Oprah Winfrey at all hours of the day and night, we cannot guarantee a personal response.