Ask the Diet Psychologist
by Phil McMaw, Ph.D.
The Drive-Thru Doctor ®
I may not be Phil
McGraw but then again you're no Oprah.
Why am I Fat?
Dear Dr. Phil,
Every morning, I
look in the bathroom mirror and tell myself, "Today is the day I'm
going to stick to my diet and exercise plan." But every night, I
go to bed wondering how and why I failed. From the moment that first bacon-egg-cheese
biscuit lures me in, I'm toast. My willpower fails me, and I wind up blowing
my whole diet.
What's wrong with
me?
Sincerely,
Butterball
Dear Butterball,
First let me say
it's a real privilege for all of you to have me as a guest author here
at Happy Woman Magazine.
Butterball, my research
has uncovered shocking new evidence regarding diet and weight loss. I
followed six anonymous research participants for three days, which creeped
them out because they thought I was stalking them, and discovered EATING
can cause OBESITY.
You'll find more
about this stunning development in my new book: [insert link here to Random
Acts of Malice]
Diet Drugs Do Not Work
Dear Dr. Phil,
I think I'm addicted
to chocolate, and if I could just get this under control, I'd lose the
weight I've always wanted to. Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Chocoholic
Dear Choco,
Obviously, you have
self-esteem issues brought on by your shabby treatment at the hands of
your morally bankrupt mother. This sort of upbringing often manifests
in the adult years as a need to be famous. And rich. And on TV. Bad mothering
also results in bossiness.
Let me tell you what
you need to do! You need to stop trying to tell everyone else what to
do and focus on improving yourself. By this, I mean improving your SELF.
Go on, figure it out.
Also, you probably
could benefit from reading my new book: [link]
Diet Goeth Before
a Fall
Dear Dr. Phil,
I'm very proud of
myself. I was 187 pounds overweight, but I put myself on a strict, healthy
diet and began walking one mile a day. As time went by, I increased my
exercise level and now am a champion weightlifter. I'll be participating
in the next Olympic games - quite an accomplishment for a 37-year-old
mother of nine.
The problem is, my
husband isn't supportive. I think the sissy-boy is just jealous of my
achievements. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Gerta
Dear Gerta,
Wow, you really have
some ego problems. Let's remember, you're not educated. You don't, for
example, have a Ph.D., nor have you published any books, nor are you ever
on TV. So, I wouldn't get too big for my britches if I were you.
I think you need
to take a step back, literally. Put a little weight back on and get in
touch with the mousy housewife you once were. No husband deserves a wife
who can bench press him.
If this advice makes
you angry, take it up with the Editor In Chief. My number is unlisted.
Also, you may want
to consult my book for more advice on handling weight loss sensitivity
in spouses: [link]
If you have dieting questions for Dr. Phil, send them to satirista@gmail.com. Due to the high volume of calls from Oprah Winfrey at all hours of the day and night, we cannot guarantee a personal response.
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