PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Spontaneous Public Pole Dancing:

Experience The Power of the Pole

By Diane Sokoloski

You, a true trend setter, are on the cutting edge of all that is fashionable and hip in this world. You have completed another full body Botox IV unit session and met with your personal Brazilian bikini wax trainer. Now what? We at Port-a-Pole Inc. suggest that for the sheer necessity to continually attract attention to yourself, why not take up spontaneous public pole dancing? The new convenient and reasonably priced portable pole is available so you can set up wherever and whenever the mood to slink like a desperate tart-whore down a greasy pole strikes you!

In the workplace, on the subway or around the mall; the possibilities are endless. We at Port-a-Pole Inc. believe that every woman across the country from in-breds to invalids can be a sexy, confident, pole dancing princess AND if after two years of daily public pole dancing, you can't crack a coconut inside those hardened inner thighs of yours, Port-a-Pole Inc. will cheerfully refund your money.

 

 

Your Equipment

All you need is a pole but not just any pole will do. When tucked inside your briefcase, a Port-A-Pole takes up no more room than an umbrella sized jumbo tampon, and is easily expandable to the ceiling height of your average shopping mall. In a wheel chair? Never mind. The Port-a-Pole can be adapted to fit any tight spot. Still not convinced? Just read this testimonial from a satisfied customer.

"The experience of performing my upside down split leg windmill move while the subway hurtled through the tunnel was thrilling, and I really did show those passengers what a woman of the 2000s is all about. I can hardly wait for my massive head injury to heal so that I can get out of the hospital and do it again! Thanks Port-a-Pole, you've changed my life and my spine, forever!"

Just imagine the power of the pole during a job interview. When trivial questions start being asked like, "How do you construct a zero coupon yield curve?" or "Are you able to calculate the hedge ratio on a portfolio of bonds?", simply sweep your resume onto the floor and stand suggestively, with tooshie primed for action. Actions speak louder than words! Whip out your Port-a-Pole right there in the office and give that interviewer a taste of what you are all about.

If you already have a job then your days on the pole have just begun. As deadlines loom, computers crash and clients are left in the lurch, strap on your thong and grind to your heart's content. Perhaps Port-a-Pole will catch on with everyone in the office. Imagine the boss's delight when he bursts in to see that his employees are spinning away on their poles for stress relief, not to mention a chance to see who is sporting the latest gluteal enhancement implants.

Your Moves

Included in Port-a-Pole's low price is a free booklet of pole dancing moves, compliments of award winning stripper, Cheeks McGillicuddy, that you can master in a few easy steps. Here is just a glimpse of what is in store for you and your Port-a-Pole.

Pole Lick

Never underestimate the power of the tongue. Lick the pole from top to bottom making sure you maintain a suggestive smirk at all times. Keep the mouth heavily salivated to avoid a pole dancer pitfall- getting one's tongue stuck to the pole. If your tongue does get stuck, grind abdominal area vigorously into pole until tongue becomes free.

Buttock Shake

This one is always a crowd pleaser. Grasp pole in front, thrust buttocks out while arching back at a ninety degree angle and shake your bottom vigorously from side to side. Each cheek should be wobbling independently of the other. Buttocks may become numb after prolonged shaking, but a few injections of complimentary cortisone into the area will allow you to continue.

Behind Neck Leg Ram

The title says it all. Lift one leg and ram it behind your neck, all the while licking lips and winking.

Precarious Pole Plunge

Climb suggestively up the pole to approximately 10 m above the ground. Peek-a-Boo open legs in a subtle spread eagle. If your groin muscle gives out at that point and you are unable to complete the eagle move, immediately drop your head down into a figure eight neck rotation also known as the Exorcist Head Spin, fall to the "naughty" floor and slap it! If in your descent down the pole to the floor, you have lost your bearings, grab the pole and wait for the floor to steady itself. Keep a paper bag handy for vomiting accidents.

You deserve to experience the power of the pole. Order now while supplies last!

 

© 2007 Diane Sokoloski

OTHER HW ARTICLES BY DIANE SOKOLOSKI:

Kick That Silly Terrorist Habit In Eight Easy Steps

Advice for the Modern Street Busker

Peacekeeping with Style!

Quasimodos of the World Unite!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Diane Sokoloski earned a BA in music and BEd as an Artist in the Community. She has performed in children's theatre, political theatre, musical theatre, puppet shows, stand-up comedy and yes- as a street busker. Diane had brief experiences as a police officer and a high school teacher but her psychiatrist advises against talking about it. Diane's writing credits include numerous magazines and newspapers

Diane is working on a children's book based on a true story about a skink who travelled across North America in a lunch box.